Something snapped. Wrong place, wrong time. Reading about yourself, on the internet. Or other people like you. Look up meetings in your area. No meetings in your area. Swansea, Bristol. Inconvenient times. 12 steps. As if it were a flight of stairs. Get to the landing. When you live in a fucking bungalow. Infested. Dry […]
I’m doing it because I want this imaginary woman in the sky (who is a real person) to be proud of me. This nebulous, sweeping entity. I am a fraud. A latch-grip fraud. And I cannot explain.
Depression hits when everything is going just fine. There is no rhyme, reason, just a cumbersome, debilitating (I want to say cloud, but it’s heavier) that stops you in your tracks. For me it gets worse when sleep is wrong. I have an 8-5 job, weekdays. This weekend I stayed up all night, went to […]
Yesterday, I must have been anxious, without being consciously aware I had dug my fingernails into my gum in two particular spots. By the time I’d realised it was impossible to stop. The pain immensely pleasurable. I’ve gouged the skin away now and it’s bleeding. I’m trying (and struggling) to only press with my tongue […]
The discrepancy between fantasy and reality Defence and anonymity from pain Sexual undercurrents Shame-bound Imagined relationship Dignity impossible No voice Threat of violence and instability Your presence Intrinsic meaning Misinterpreted significance Destructive love Terrifying human mind Metaphorical rapist Assault my intelligence This dynamic Your disdain All-consuming Time-wasting, ongoing, controlling, unforgiving Hope Delineated boundaries Perception of […]
You’re sitting in the throes of the summer rain Blackout drunk and you’re suffering again Wretched despair and a grief-stricken pain You’re sitting alone again You said it wouldn’t hurt Everything is sacrilege You’re looking for an easy fuck It’s sacrilege You know what I mean?
Acoustic cover of The Cure
Just start writing. Just do it. I can’t deal with the thought of entering into a relationship with one or two people who I know actually like me. And who I like. It’s partly because when you like a friendship and you don’t want to fuck it up. A fear of being hurt when it […]
Having a child that is so much like you. It is you. An extension of yourself. A SAFETY BLANKET. A reassurance that it is ok to die, because half of you is left. Or two halves. I am at the point in my transition where I still have spot bleeding. I have ovaries. I know, […]