Depression is the inability to see things improving. The feeling that nobody likes you. Shutting yourself away. Eating barely enough to keep you alive. Not paying bills. Intense anxiety and rage when having to deal with people or leave the house. Crying on the way back to the house. Feeling like everything about you is […]
My humiliation is your triumph Conversion to the bodily The heart has its reasons Shameless, violent, depravity She’s dark now and empty My intuition This human condition Your jealousy I’m dying to meet you in spite of it all This primitive phallus is standing up tall You’re courting The Devil I’m taking the fall […]
Human contact. Relationships. Friendships. Physical contact. I’m in this weird frame of mind. After my spate of one night stands which did not make me feel very good about myself, I’ve been online, and meeting people from online offline. To be crude, I have offers, multiple, and presumably bona fide… From men, boys, young men […]
It’s like I’m falling overboard I’m losing traction with the Lord I feel these things too much I feel these things too much Or not at all Have you ever gone out of your way To make a stranger’s day Be a one-time familiar face That time can’t erase I am stuck in this place […]
Something snapped. Wrong place, wrong time. Reading about yourself, on the internet. Or other people like you. Look up meetings in your area. No meetings in your area. Swansea, Bristol. Inconvenient times. 12 steps. As if it were a flight of stairs. Get to the landing. When you live in a fucking bungalow. Infested. Dry […]
I’m doing it because I want this imaginary woman in the sky (who is a real person) to be proud of me. This nebulous, sweeping entity. I am a fraud. A latch-grip fraud. And I cannot explain.
Depression hits when everything is going just fine. There is no rhyme, reason, just a cumbersome, debilitating (I want to say cloud, but it’s heavier) that stops you in your tracks. For me it gets worse when sleep is wrong. I have an 8-5 job, weekdays. This weekend I stayed up all night, went to […]
Yesterday, I must have been anxious, without being consciously aware I had dug my fingernails into my gum in two particular spots. By the time I’d realised it was impossible to stop. The pain immensely pleasurable. I’ve gouged the skin away now and it’s bleeding. I’m trying (and struggling) to only press with my tongue […]