What the hell?

Dearest Tilda 🙂 of Swift Expressions blog,

I just wanted to say thank you for giving me a kick up the arse. After reading your comment on my earlier post ‘A glimpse of happiness’ I immediately logged onto gaydargirls (dating site). I must admit I have been a bit despondent about it of late, as it is typically filled with, well I don’t want to be insulting, let’s just say not my type of women. Along with several friends, ex girlfriends and ex girlfriend’s girlfriends. It seems fairly safe to say most of the lesbians in any given city have dated each other at some point, a case of not many fish in the pond. Especially as those that do partner up go off and live in the countryside in a nice house and wear wellies and whatnot.

Anyway, what was I saying…

Well I noticed a young guy on there who I recognised from when he was a girl. (We had mutual friends and I think met briefly.) He’s a pre-op transsexual FTM who has just started testosterone this year, and has all that comes with it, stubble, broken voice, muscles. Of course I’ve spent the better part of this week COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT and wondering what the hell am I, a fully-fledged lady-lusting lesbian doing flirting with who is, essentially a guy. He is a guy. But different to any guy I’ve ever met in that we have chemistry. Believe me when I say I’m almost willing myself not to fall for him, but it seems to be happening anyway.

I have no idea what the hell I am doing, but in my efforts not to freak out I’m trying to look at it as meeting a new friend, and seeing what happens. Which may be nothing. But anyway, distraction it certainly is. I think I may be totally mad, and yes, it is the total opposite of my usual type (much older authoritative woman) he’s actually younger. And I’m very aware that I don’t want to go leading anybody up the garden path (like the robot did to me) as I know how much it hurts so very badly. So I’m being 100% honest, transparent, in everything I do, say and dare I say it…. feel.

Anyway, we have a date on Thursday. I’ve taken the pressure completely off by saying that although I can already tell I like him, it may well be more than my little brain can handle! And yes, I really think it may be. And I’m worried I only like him for his ‘womanliness’ which obviously is everything he’s trying to leave behind and no doubt does not want to be reminded of. Still, I reassure myself by saying it’s his choice to go out on a date with a self-confirmed lesbian. Crazy much?

So there we have it, my first ever date with a dude.

I don’t even know whether to link this to my crazy dream about the men’s toilets or if this is just getting too weird for words….

Did my dream know, or did my dream and ensuing discussion just make me more open to possibilities?

Signing off for the night,

Confused lesbian, who now fancies a guy, who used to be a girl, but didn’t fancy when he was a girl and now thinks is kind of hot now he’s a guy. And he has nice eyes. Did I just say that, oh my days….

Addendum: Too many synchronicities! What is happening. Oh I need to stop clicking on your blog Ms Swift. Needless to say, this guy does have an obsession with superheroes and I can’t even tell you his name, but it is far too close to your chosen superhero name. Ok I’m a little bit freaked out right now. Is the universe talking to me, or am I going mad, or both?! Both, definitely both. Oh well, it makes life interesting. 1.2.3. and we’re back to Robot. Oh how I miss my Robot…

One thought on “What the hell?

  1. Dear artofstumbling, thanks for your letter. 🙂 I suppose it’s like, life itself already imposes enough rules, boundaries, limitations and restrictions on us, so why impose even more on ourselves? Freedom. The freedom to go with the flow just because you can. At least you have a distraction, as you say. A nice one from the sounds of it. Some transsexuals are very attractive, both ways. They have that lovely balance of yin yang. Anyway, I know that robot will not disappear out of your mind instantly, but like I said, we don’t have to build even more walls and barricades and impose even more rules on ourselves than society already does. What you do is up to you. Instinct is never wrong. And when your life feels like someone just picked it up and gave it a good shake, it can actually be kind of fun. It certainly breaks the monotony. You’re entitled to have a bit of fun without over-thinking it. Feel … that’s a good idea, like you said. 🙂 At least it’s something different; and the “same” was not sounding like a happy place for you.
    ~ Tilda. xx

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