Hole in my soul ~ (Part 2)

Another bit for the blog challenge, I suppose, or rather just because I felt like it – on Swift Expression’s blog

I have a problem. I’m depressed. We knew that. Going back to this whole gaping hole of gaping holes in my soul.

My girlfriend and I split up. We used to run a business together and live together. Now we still live together, when she’s here, which is not very often.

I have a gaping hole where she’s missing.

We used to watch telly together. Since she’s gone, I realise, I don’t like watching telly alone. And tend not to. It’s only fun with her by my side when we can aww and ahh at the storylines, and laugh, and get worked up about how such a stupid character is such a stupid character.

I really get no pleasure from watching it alone. So I don’t.

I don’t like being alone. Nor do I like being in large groups of people. I get stressed. I do go out with a group of friends but it’s not something I’d want to do all the time. The only reason I didn’t mind spending 24 / 7 with my girlfriend was because… I enjoyed her company that much, that we could, happily, spend that time together. For the most part. There are reasons why it didn’t work out obviously, but I won’t go into that.

It’s not like I don’t have stuff to do right now, I do, like get ready for Christmas, wrap presents, but I can’t be bothered. I’ve been extremely depressed all day.

Two further people, that were filling my hole, so to speak, have since… well, abandoned me. Both in a rather hurtful manner.

I’m angry. And I’m angry, because I’m hurt obviously.

When there is a void, that supermassive black hole… well, one thing that can fill it for me is, was self-harm.

I haven’t done it since I was a teenager, but today was the first time in a very long time it crossed my mind to. I haven’t. But there was a definite crossing of my mind.

I didn’t used to cut myself, I don’t like blood. But I would burn myself on lightbulbs. There was a very conveniently placed lit bathroom mirror in my childhood home that was very good for that.

Sometimes I find I’m so hurt that I can’t cry. Crying is good, releases tension, you feel better afterwards. But sometimes I don’t even feel able to cry. For me self-harm is like crying when you can’t cry. If that makes sense.

There is a lot of stigma about self-harming obviously. People who have never done it may not understand it. They may be horrified at the thought of you doing it.

Really, there’s nothing to be horrified about. It’s your body, you’re in full control. You’re not going to injure yourself more than you want. And like crying, afterwards you will feel better.

I very much doubt I will self-harm right now. If anything, I no longer have a strategically placed bathroom mirror. I suppose that’s a good thing.

I have to be honest, I think in a small way, writing this blog helps fill the hole in my soul, which is seeming so very prominent, no, that’s the wrong word, prominent sticks out doesn’t it? I don’t know… anyway, it’s very big, and it’s very noticeable, to me at least.

I don’t really know what else to do to fill it right now. Perhaps stare into space for a while.

Or perhaps I will break my own rule and force myself to watch something on the television. Alone.

9 thoughts on “Hole in my soul ~ (Part 2)

  1. I’m not horrified by the self-harm. We talked about it a bit in my last ET Workshop. Some people can’t handle it, or may be judgmental, but my first serious relationship was with a guy who used to cut himself. He certainly had the scars to prove it.

    I won’t bore you with all the psychology behind it; there are various theories. You did mention the word “control” though and that is one of the most prominent reasons for self-harm. It makes you feel back in control again. When everything else falls apart, at least you have control over your own body and what you can do to it. You’re right, that won’t be about crying; that will be about asserting power.

    Obviously I hope you don’t do it, and that you can find other ways to assert your power and regain some feeling of control over your life; but it won’t lessen my opinion of you either way. You’re suffering right now. It’s very personal; very subjective. I’m glad that writing it down here helps you in some way.

  2. Thank you for opening up and honestly sharing your feelings. I’m sorry to read you are depressed. I wish I could cheer you up! I do hope you start to feel better and blog more about it, it seems to help a little bit writing it all down and getting all your thoughts and feelings out of your head and heart. I say go turn that tv on and take a baby sit in the direction of digging yourself out of depression.

  3. I’m gonna dish out some tough love right now, because you need some. First off, you are worth something. You are worth a hell of a lot. I might have not ever met you, and I might live halfway across the world, but I care.

    Depression… Yes, I struggle with it too, it’s in my family. It’s programmed into my DNA. You’re read how far deep I was in the trench following the events of this year, and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that up until 2 weeks ago I was having to ward off bridge diving thoughts. Gaping holes of gaping holes… you and me both. I’ve got some scaffolding up and I’ve stopped feeling sorry for myself, but that doesn’t bring back my significant other, my best friend, or all my other friends (although their friendship was questionable at best).

    Rebecca, I’m not sure what finally jerked me out of whatever the hell I was going through but I have a feeling it was all the people that gave me little encouraging thoughts and words. You were one of them, so now the favor is about to be heaped on your head.

    Do whatever makes you uncomfortable if you feel it’s in your best interest. Make new memories to go over the old ones. If you don’t want to, that’s okay too, but that’s what works for me. I haven’t gone completely insane yet, so that’s a good start. I also haven’t gone to one of my favorite restaurants because it was Luis’ favorite too (so maybe I should shut up about that part). Throw yourself into something. Mine is finding a new job, and trying to get the clasps on my necklaces to not disintegrate or become impervious to all manner of soldering. Yours can be the little things you always loved to do but never seem to do anymore. You have a blog that a lot of people love (me included), you already listed a bunch of things you have to do. Sometimes, the best thing for us to do is what’s expected of us, even when we don’t feel it. It gives us the sense of purpose we are lacking. Of course, I compulsively clean just to check things off a cleaning list so I feel like I’ve done something worthwhile with my life so again… shouldn’t talk.

    Keep that mirror right where it is, do things that make you happy, and stop being so damn hard on yourself! I’m here if you want to talk about how much the world sucks, trust me… I have endless material. If you need to talk to someone professionally (don’t laugh, it helped me), look up the options you have. Depression is an ugly monster if you let it have power over you. Now that I’ve thoroughly annoyed you and accosted you with a bunch of things you should do (like an overprotective parent), I shall depart. But only as long as you know that you matter to a bunch of people, and self harming is not an ideal option for you. Yes, that’s a statement telling you in no uncertain terms to please not do it, from a stranger online whom you have never met. But if you do, you do and I understand and it won’t change how I feel either.

    *hug*

    • Lol thank you 🙂 Totally understand what you are saying. And really appreciate you saying it.

      I am up and down like a yoyo to be honest. Now I feel just fine, and I’m like, what the hell did I write that for… but I know why I did – because it’s helped. And people like yourself, your words help. And make me think of things I perhaps didn’t think of before. And I really appreciate it so very much.

      I don’t doubt I will be going down and up for quite a while.

      It was a momentary thing… it comes and goes. And I’m distracting myself finally by messing around with my music videos on YouTube. I’m fine, back on track… it’s just those moments when I really don’t want to do anything like that, but instead just stare into space, or you know.

      Breakthroughs and setbacks you could say.

      I feel I had a breakthrough earlier.

      Like I said I haven’t self-harmed in a very long time. It was just the thought of it shocked me. Because the thought hasn’t even entered my head in such a long time. And I just shocked myself. But it helped to write about it.. So thanks.

      And hugs back 🙂

      • I am also living the yo-yo lifestyle… woo! LOL

        I’m glad you are feeling better now, and I’m glad the idea shocked you. Sometimes, I catch myself thinking irrationally. Normally, when I scare myself, I know that’s a good time to get a hold of myself and shake off whatever it is I’m thinking about.

        But the mood changes can be a little odd. They are getting easier to regulate, it’s just my little fears and anxieties that throw ripples every now and again. I usually have a breakthrough and I’m on my way, but the chasms you can fall into kinda suck when you’re in there.

        Anyway, I hope you are getting ready for the holidays now and feeling a lot better. I think it might already be Christmas over there, it’s only about 7:30ish here… so in that case Merry Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Yule, or Tuesday. Whichever you prefer 🙂

  4. Pingback: Stuck With a Black Hearth on Board (Hole in My Soul-Blog Challenge-Part 2) | Clumsy Musings

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