I’m not okay

Am I self-sabotaging? Or am I depressed? Why is everything so difficult? When did it get so difficult? When did I go from being a normal person to a depressed person? How can you be anything but depressed when you lack energy so very much. Am I sabotaging myself and any chance of happiness by not going out? Was I always a depressed person but just didn’t notice because I was busy and I had structure and distractions? Why did I stay in tonight even though I knew it would make me sad? Why would I do that to myself?

It’s a very strange thing depression. Is it bad luck? Or is it me? I’m in a hole and I can’t see any way out. What would I even want to make me happy? If I could have anything I wanted would it even make me happy? Or would I just sabotage that as well?

I don’t think I’ve ever spent New Year’s Eve alone before. I convinced myself it was just another day. That I’d go out later.

I miss my family. And I miss my friends. And I miss my job.

How can I even go to my job interview in this state? When did I get so scared of everything? When did the world become this big scary place and what am I even scared of? Failure. Being alone.

Why am I scared of failing or being alone when there’s not even anyone here… to see me fail. It doesn’t make any sense. Nothing makes any sense anymore.

Happy New Year.

I always hated self-pitying people like me. Now I am one! I’m sure there’s something funny about this somewhere. There must be a funny side to this.

The reason you care so much about what people think of you, well, it’s because in evolutionary terms you wouldn’t last long if you were thrown out of your group. You’d get eaten by a tiger, or a crocodile or something.

It would make a lot more sense if there were some tigers around here.

But no. I’m just perfectly safe. And utterly terrified of being alone.

And yet I hate people. Work that one out then…

I turned down an invite to a flipping house party of a girl who I know likes me and have previously snogged. What was I thinking?? Why?

Well I know why really. It’s because I’ve had my heart smashed to little pieces and even the most tiniest thing going wrong at this stage… well I don’t think I could take the hurt. I’m pretending to be ok because I think I should be by now, but I’m not. I’m really not ok. As I think My Chemical Romance once said…

YouTube video: My Chemical Romance – I’m Not Okay (I Promise)

13 thoughts on “I’m not okay

  1. I’m not ok either so if you find the answer to the question please share. A year ending a year beginning…is there a real difference? I’m not so sure regardless of how many times we’ve heard “what a difference a day makes”.

    • You have always come across as very ‘sorted’ to me, but perhaps that’s just it… really none of us are ok? But we think everyone else is? If any answers hit me in the face I will be sure to share them with you 🙂 But yes, you’re right, it’s just another day… and problems don’t miraculously vanish…

      • I am very sorted in some ways as you say, but I have had a hard life with more than my fair share of challenges, especially the past 10 years and i am still reeling from it.

  2. Awe. You’ve been hurt. So i think its okay to feel distrust in other people, the world and feel hurt. You don’t want to be hurt again and you are just protecting yourself. Just like respect is earned , trust is earned too. Time will bring you courage and the ability to live life and determine whom you can trust. It’s okay hun. Things will get better, even if you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Plus, you have us here on word press…and each of us can hold a candle for you, help light up the path. HUGS.

    • Thank you. I’m beginning to understand that’s what it is… because I’ve been hurt. And perhaps not be so hard on myself. It definitely helps writing stuff down, it helps me to understand myself and why I behave and feel the way I do… I don’t think I trust anyone at the moment lol.

  3. This is one of your most ever really open posts, just laying it all out there. I don’t know a *lot* of people, but the ones that I do know, none of them is “ok” as in perfectly fine and feeling happy most of the time. Most people “get by” or “cope”. A lot of people rely heavily on drinking (or other things) and entertainment as a distraction because they don’t want to be alone with their thoughts and feelings.

    When I was living back in Spain, I was walking my dog and I walked past someone’s garden and I overheard, (they were talking in the garden so I couldn’t really stop myself from hearing it), I overheard a woman’s voice saying, “All my friends think I’m fine. I put on this act all the time that everything is perfect and my life is ideal. Nobody knows how I lie in bed crying every single night.”

    The really bad thing was that *after* she’d said it she noticed me and there was nothing I could do, and I felt really bad for having overheard what was obviously meant to be private, but I just kept staring straight ahead and walked past quickly. I never told anyone and I’m only saying it here because nobody could ever know who on earth I’m talking about.

    And also, I was at one of my Weekend Workshops, and we were all having tea before getting started, and one of the women there was saying hi to the others and basically “Hi, so how are you doing?” and everyone was saying, “Fine, thanks.” And then she said something that made me burst out laughing because it was so frank. She said, “Isn’t it funny how you go around asking everybody, ‘How are you?’ and everyone always says the same thing, ‘I’m fine thanks’, and nobody EVER says, ‘Well actually, I feel like shit.'” Now you know me, I try to avoid the swearing, but that had to be a direct quote.

    And why did she say that? Obviously people do pretend that everything is ok but for a lot of people it really isn’t. All I’m saying is, yes you have some stuff going on, but you’re definitely not alone or even rare or unusual. Have you gone to your Reader and gone to the “explore topics” thingy and entered the word “alone” or “lonely”? I bet you’ll find a lot of people feel the same way.

    It doesn’t make your situation less important; but most people find it’s helpful to know that what you’re going through is part of the human experience. Just one part. Not a good part – a horrid, awful part. But it seems to be part of the human experience. Doesn’t mean you just have to give up and accept it; but in a way, you *are* ok, because you’re normal. You’re human. And that’s ok.

  4. Well, it’s possible to go from normal to depressed pretty easily (at least if you are me). With that said, I also did the hiding thing for a long time while I protected my heart. I feel like it’s natural. There will just come a time when you decide that you are either going to commit to living life as you are currently, or get fed up and start doing things differently.

    Either option, I’m sorry you are feeling down. Hopefully today is a little bit better for you. 🙂

    • Just saw you got second in the blog challenge! Congrats 🙂

      Also, I forgot to mention that I love My Chemical Romance and Linkin Park (saw something of theirs floating around here, but I have 30 tabs open of things I need to read and comment on, so it might be hopelessly lost). You have good taste in music, so that should make you proud. 🙂

    • Thanks. I feel better today lol. It’s still there… all the hurt and distrust of everything and anyone lol… but yeah, I don’t feel like it will last forever. Yesterday I did. Today I don’t. But then gahh. I don’t know. Who was it I was saying I was up and down like a yo-yo 🙂 Well yep I am. But I also feel I have reasons for that, and I don’t want to go getting all my hopes up again lol! I don’t know… but I do. I just get my hopes up. Really wish I wouldn’t! It’s natural to get excited about things I suppose. I’m not feeling so alone anyway so that’s definitely a good thing. Does this even make sense what I’ve written? So confused?? lol.

      • That’s the funny thing about the human condition. In spite of even the most pressing and desperate of circumstances, we always have hope. That’s why we have the story of Pandora… even the ancients recognized it. It’s beautifully natural to have hope because one day, it won’t be false hope. The yo-yo is ruthless, I know. I know that I’ve simulated my own isolation in the past, so I’ll remind you that you are never as alone as you think. 🙂 You’re a smart and capable woman… do what is best for you. If you feel the need to guard your heart for a bit longer, I think you should do that. The world will always be there to jump into. And your reply makes perfect sense… to me at least (although I’m not sure if that’s a good thing… LOL).

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