Am I self-sabotaging? Or am I depressed? Why is everything so difficult? When did it get so difficult? When did I go from being a normal person to a depressed person? How can you be anything but depressed when you lack energy so very much. Am I sabotaging myself and any chance of happiness by not going out? Was I always a depressed person but just didn’t notice because I was busy and I had structure and distractions? Why did I stay in tonight even though I knew it would make me sad? Why would I do that to myself?
It’s a very strange thing depression. Is it bad luck? Or is it me? I’m in a hole and I can’t see any way out. What would I even want to make me happy? If I could have anything I wanted would it even make me happy? Or would I just sabotage that as well?
I don’t think I’ve ever spent New Year’s Eve alone before. I convinced myself it was just another day. That I’d go out later.
I miss my family. And I miss my friends. And I miss my job.
How can I even go to my job interview in this state? When did I get so scared of everything? When did the world become this big scary place and what am I even scared of? Failure. Being alone.
Why am I scared of failing or being alone when there’s not even anyone here… to see me fail. It doesn’t make any sense. Nothing makes any sense anymore.
Happy New Year.
I always hated self-pitying people like me. Now I am one! I’m sure there’s something funny about this somewhere. There must be a funny side to this.
The reason you care so much about what people think of you, well, it’s because in evolutionary terms you wouldn’t last long if you were thrown out of your group. You’d get eaten by a tiger, or a crocodile or something.
It would make a lot more sense if there were some tigers around here.
But no. I’m just perfectly safe. And utterly terrified of being alone.
And yet I hate people. Work that one out then…
I turned down an invite to a flipping house party of a girl who I know likes me and have previously snogged. What was I thinking?? Why?
Well I know why really. It’s because I’ve had my heart smashed to little pieces and even the most tiniest thing going wrong at this stage… well I don’t think I could take the hurt. I’m pretending to be ok because I think I should be by now, but I’m not. I’m really not ok. As I think My Chemical Romance once said…