Confused

I don’t think I have ever been more confused.

When I was growing up. There was no confusion. Not really. From about 11 I knew I was gay. When we got to that age people started getting boyfriends, I came out. I mean it wasn’t easy, but there was no confusion in my mind. I wanted to lie on top of women.

Lately all I see is cute guys. Everywhere. Everywhere.

Maybe I’m just making a big thing of something that really isn’t a big thing.

If I tell people, and I have told a few, it’s all “Don’t worry.” ….. “Go with the flow.”

Well fuck it. I am worried. I don’t understand what is happening to me. What is wrong with me. It’s ironic, right?

There’s nothing “wrong” with a girl fancying a guy. Or several guys. Nope. Some might say it’s completely NORMAL.

Oh my God. He has curly hair, a little upturned nose, he’s playing the banjo, his shirt is kind of undone at the top. Hmm. Interesting. What is that in his pocket, a phone? Yep, a phone.

Hmm. Bassist, Very nice. Handsome. Like way too handsome. He’s just too pretty. Good nose. Good fingers.

I know where I am on the sliding scale of fanciability with women. I have experience. I’m a pretty good judge. You know, she is way too attractive. No way. She’s nice. She’d have me.

But men? No idea.

How do you even get it on with a bloke? “Hello Sir, would you care to dance?”

“Can I buy you a pint?”

“I like your, um, hair.”

“Did you get your shirt from Topman? I have the same one…”

I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

And why? Why now? What is the reason? Have I a hormonal imbalance?

Fuck.

The amount of guys I have had hit on me. Now I kind of want a guy to hit on me, well, where have they gone???!!!

Anyway. Date with a woman soon.

Maybe I’m psychologically disturbed.

My problem is, I always want to know why. I’ve always wanted to know why I was the way I was.

I suppose it doesn’t matter.

I’ll just carry on… being… me.

I am really disturbing myself.

I actually find this all very upsetting.

And I’m kind of scared.

It’s like everything I ever knew has been taken away from me and I am totally lost.

If there was one thing I thought I could rely on, it was me being a big fat homo.

21 thoughts on “Confused

  1. I think a lot of people have been there. It IS scary. Your sexuality is a big part of your identity, so to question it, it feels like you’re questioning your identity.

    And yeah, hormones can affect it. You might wake up in a month and be ‘back to normal’, or you might not. I felt a bit ‘straighter’ when I was on the pill.

    Whatever is going on. There’s not much you can do about it, so you may as well try to enjoy it! Crush on as many guys as you like! 😀

  2. Hey, at least your definition of appealing isn’t a toaster strudel and hot chocolate. I really wish I’d see something to get me at least a little bit interested. But… nope. Stare for me so that I may vicariously admire the man meat.

    As for being confused, do whatever makes you happy. It’s about having a person to love and who loves you back. If you are attracted to them and you love them, gender doesn’t matter.

    I’ll now grab my banjo and sing a song about free love. Sometimes I scare myself with my level of hippy-ness but I prefer that over the alternative.

    • Lol. Toaster strudel sounds delicious right about now 🙂 Is that like apple strudel, that you cook in a toaster?

      Hmm if you were in the room I was in tonight you may well have been staring as well… seriously. Especially if you admire the hippy factor…

      • Yessss basically it’s this horrendous creation by Pillsbury. In response to the pop tart, they launched the toaster strudel. Basically it’s liquid sugar flavored filling wrapped inside a butter puff pastry crust. When you put it in the toaster, the crust crackles and gets golden brown and if you do it just right, the inside gets warm but not molten.

        As for the men, I appreciate the “man’s man”… business man by day, doomsday prepper and survivalist extraordinaire by evening. I’m tired of wussy guys, I want a shark I can bring home to my parents and be proud of. Hippy boys can sing me fancy songs and pass illicit items to smoke, but they don’t pay my mortgage and grill me steak. Lmfao

        • That sounds absolutely divine… the strudel.

          Somebody really needs to bring toaster strudels to the U.K….

          Well, I’ll have the wussy hippy boys then 🙂 The ones that are not very hairy, and look kind of like girls lol.

          I need steak also though!!!!

          The woman I’m dating is a vegetarian 😮

          I think I need a hippy boygirl that likes steak. With scampi. Surf ‘n’ turf.

          Oh sod it, I’m just hungry.

          Forget boygirl somebody just bring me steak!!

  3. This is hugely disconcerting, even though it’s not something to worry about, it isn’t something you can stop thinking about when it happens.
    Not that it changes your conflict but I’m attracted to men and I am still a big fat homo.
    Before I came out I always started flirting with guys with “Do you have a light?” and took it from there but if you don’t smoke you might look a bit mental for asking that.

  4. Even if you’re gay, fascinating a guy is okay. Guys for you are like art-you may like a type of art, but that doesn’t mean that you’ll sleep with that thing of art.
    But the thing here is that you may be bisexual if you fascinate guys THAT MUCH. Like you say-you came out when you were 11, which is kind of early for such a big step (although, i cannot lie that some people really do know at that age). There’s time for you to figure out what kind of sexual orientation you have.
    I don’t get why it is so important for you-if you like girls, it’s okay. If you like guys-it’s fine and if you like both… I personally don’t really see where the problem is. I do get your confusion though and I hope it leads to its end soon 🙂

  5. In my head I can understand how strange and disconcerting this must be for you. On the other hand I have always been bisexual and count that as a blessing so in my heart I feel that if you find you are getting to be attracted to men as much as women don’t fear it but enjoy the possibilities that brings. It might just be a stage… It might be hormones… It might be a temporary aberration… .Take things slow and see what happens. I don’t think you will lose anything of the lifestyle that is important to you.

  6. Oh dear. It is very disconcerting and sorry it’s troubling you. I know it’s easier said than done, but do try to “go with the flow”. Being attracted to both the ladies and the men is OKAY. You may date a guy and find out eh it’s not for me. But you will never truly know and understand your sexuality until you explore. Just because you may find yourself attracted in this moment it doesn’t mean the full course meal is for you. But, you gain nothing from limiting yourself. So, try a piece! See how it feels.

  7. Have you heard of this book?
    “Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire”
    By Lisa M. Diamond
    (Bear with me … I’m a geekish girlboy who’s all hetro.)

  8. Hmm…there is yet another steak reference buried in the comments. (I am the clown guy right?) – anyway, I think we all have both sexualities (as if there are only two, but stay with the illusion for a moment) in us. I dislike men, including myself in some ways, for being gauche, oafish and crass. And like you said somewhere, smelly. Actually that was about their urine. I mean our urine, I am a man, kind of. Well, anyway, I cannot remember the detail mainly because I had not noticed it till then, the smell that is.

    Anyway, I still feel an attaction to some men, esp ones I think could fuck me. Not big football types, I mean sensitive Helmut Berger types. Or the Placebo guy (Placebo guy?) types. But the things they say are so stupid sometimes I could cry. Now maybe I do not notice the stupid things I am saying because I am a guy, and we have some sort of blinder that protects us from seeing our own imbecility….or not. No, sometimes I feel my own stupidity too. But that is beside the point.

    You are attracted to women….and well sometimes you are attracted to men. Don’t worry too much – but be a bit careful about letting him bring his toothbrush and razor to your place…you may not want him to move in. But have some fun….why not. And I suspect that they are not hitting on you because they know you, or think they do. That is all part of the characteristic stupidity of men….reallly bad at dating…or seeing their chances…..Or just talking to the coolest person in the northern hemisphere…..you.

    • Lol. Well I think you are the coolest person ever. The feeling is mutual. To me you seem kind of (please tell me if I’m being stupid) male lesbian.

      As for guy-love for me, well, I’m still dating PhD woman. And my monogamous nature is coming into play again lol. Damn thing.

      Anyway, it is, thankfully, going quite slowly. Which is what I need right now. Slow enough so as not to freak me out lol.

      I don’t think I have been attracted to men long enough to have any idea of what I like in a man. I guess I just know it when I see it ha.

      Oh my word. When did it change from man-meat to guy-love? Mildly disturbing.

      Oh well, nothing should surprise me anymore. I imagine I’ll wake up tomorrow and find myself strangely attracted to cats.

      • Kind of you to say I am cool – and I would be pleased to be a male lesbian…love the idea. Doubt that other people would find that cool….but maybe emotionally, sort of. I am not a proper guy, that is for sure. Not even an improper guy.

        Guy-love to man-meat….yes, you have gone a bit squishy there….better revert. Anyway, PhD woman is back – and that is a new relationship. Puzzled a bit by the monogamy thing….isn’t it a bit early for that?

        Anyway, you will definitely be attracted to cats, but not in that way…love talking to you….never quite know what you will say, and for some reason, I always like it.

        I nearly wrote take care Rebecca. But I really should have said, have fun Rebecca!

  9. I knew I was different from about 10 years old. I didn’t just want to kiss the boys…I sooo wanted to kiss the girls as well. By the time I was a teenager I realized I liked both sexes. I’ve been married for 15 years and are soon to become seperated. My choice and a painful one. In that time I haven’ t slept with a woman. God knows I’ve certainly wanted to. You must go with how you feel and whoever you love whether that be a man or woman, that’s your choice. No one has a right to make someone feel bad about who they love. Hugs Paula xx

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