I don’t think I have ever been more confused.
When I was growing up. There was no confusion. Not really. From about 11 I knew I was gay. When we got to that age people started getting boyfriends, I came out. I mean it wasn’t easy, but there was no confusion in my mind. I wanted to lie on top of women.
Lately all I see is cute guys. Everywhere. Everywhere.
Maybe I’m just making a big thing of something that really isn’t a big thing.
If I tell people, and I have told a few, it’s all “Don’t worry.” ….. “Go with the flow.”
Well fuck it. I am worried. I don’t understand what is happening to me. What is wrong with me. It’s ironic, right?
There’s nothing “wrong” with a girl fancying a guy. Or several guys. Nope. Some might say it’s completely NORMAL.
Oh my God. He has curly hair, a little upturned nose, he’s playing the banjo, his shirt is kind of undone at the top. Hmm. Interesting. What is that in his pocket, a phone? Yep, a phone.
Hmm. Bassist, Very nice. Handsome. Like way too handsome. He’s just too pretty. Good nose. Good fingers.
I know where I am on the sliding scale of fanciability with women. I have experience. I’m a pretty good judge. You know, she is way too attractive. No way. She’s nice. She’d have me.
But men? No idea.
How do you even get it on with a bloke? “Hello Sir, would you care to dance?”
“Can I buy you a pint?”
“I like your, um, hair.”
“Did you get your shirt from Topman? I have the same one…”
I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.
And why? Why now? What is the reason? Have I a hormonal imbalance?
The amount of guys I have had hit on me. Now I kind of want a guy to hit on me, well, where have they gone???!!!
Anyway. Date with a woman soon.
Maybe I’m psychologically disturbed.
My problem is, I always want to know why. I’ve always wanted to know why I was the way I was.
I suppose it doesn’t matter.
I’ll just carry on… being… me.
I am really disturbing myself.
I actually find this all very upsetting.
And I’m kind of scared.
It’s like everything I ever knew has been taken away from me and I am totally lost.
If there was one thing I thought I could rely on, it was me being a big fat homo.