Dear diary…

Dear diary,

Or should I say dear sex diary, as that’s what it’s turning into.

Dear sex diary,

I have not had sex. Lol.

I have met a nice trans lady with a nice big whip.

I have applied for a job as a trainee hairdresser. Well that would be fun wouldn’t it?


I have consoled one very teary ex-girlfriend who has had her heart broken.

I have eaten a Pot Noodle sandwich, half a (big) mint aero, one packet of salted popcorn and 4 orange clubs.

One glass of orange juice, one Coke and a large glass of Sauvignon blanc.

20mg fluoxetine, 3g sulphasalazine, 100mg azathioprine, 5mg folic acid, 30mg domperidone.

This is the most fucking boring blog post ever. Sorry.

I have also had to console a slightly upset colon. It feels I have not been paying it enough attention. I hope it understands I am just busy… trying to get a job, and get laid and whatnot. I’ve had a big pile of blood forms in the post, we will go and sort you out tomorrow ok. Please don’t be angry.

If ever, and I repeat, if ever, my life seems to be going slightly back on track my colon will pipe up (literally!) and derail me again.

I know, I know, you don’t like me drinking wine. I get it. But please… come on, it’s one glass.

Colon: But you know I don’t like white wine, could you not just drink red? Or vodka? I don’t even mind vodka.

Me: Yes, but I fancied white.

Colon: I’ve been really good to you, you know, and this is how you pay me back.

Me: It’s not always about you. Why do you always have to make it about you?

Colon: I’m not, I’m just saying…

Me: Don’t threaten me. Don’t even dare. I can chop you out any moment I choose.

Colon: Yeah but we both know you don’t want to do that. Then you would probably never get laid.

Me: No, not true. Not true at all. I don’t need you…

Colon: You need me and you know it. Enjoy your wine sucker…

Me: I will…

white wine

8 thoughts on “Dear diary…

  1. That was so not a boring post…..but those chemicals sound like the opposite of fun. Who is the nice girl with a whip? Not boring, no not at all.

    And the conversation with body part….I think the colon won by the way….

    • Yes, the colon always wins. Always.

      Girl with the whip I have met on gaydargirls… same way I seem to meet all my women, with the breasts, the whips. I’m even engaged in a Placebo convesation with someone looking for “the one”… still, I could talk about Placebo all day, they must have cottoned onto that.

  2. I agree with writingthebody. Not boring post at all!

    Hairdresser eh? I need a hair cut…lol.

    Whips… now that’s hot. Last night I went to a gay ( male) bar . Yes, i took two lesbians and myself to a gay bar( opposed to going to a lesbian bar lol) and this smoking hot chick walks into the bar and the three of us just zoomed in on her( we were the only girls in the place) and I guess she is used to the attention because she sashayed and kept glancing around at the guys who didn’t even glance her way and then she stood at the bar and didn’t order anything. Like she was waiting for someone to buy her a drink. Finally after no one paid her any attention she turned around in a fuss and walked out. My friends and myself couldn’t stop laughing. I couldn’t believe she would walk into an openly gay bar( there is a gay flag in the front of the store) and assume people would fawn over her. Silly lady.

  3. You like to be whipped? Kinky I guess. I shave my legs and take off ALL my clothes. Yeah that’s me being kinky … or married, LOL Trying to imagine being whipped and enjoying it and its hard to imagine.Is the reason Does it make you feel better like do you feel bad like needing punishment? I’m imagining a role play like ‘I’ve been a naughty girl type of thing.’ that’s the kind of thing you see in movies anyway. Is it real or just pretend.

  4. Glad to hear that you are hunting down jobs… stalk those jobs like a deadly jungle animal and pounce on them! /Animal Planet narrator voice

    Sorry, it’s late. Really late. Anyway, enjoy the wine. I can’t stand anything with the taste of alcohol so I shall never partake in wine-joy. Have a bit for me.

    But do show the colon some love. It deserves some for not being unruly recently. 🙂

    • Also, consoling a tearful ex? You are a far better person than I. I usually look at them, say “tough shit” and remind them that I told them they’d regret their choices. And then I tell them that they will never have a shot with me ever again. I’m a bit bitchy when it comes to these things.

      Consolation? I think not.

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