Pick a zone, ladies.

I cannot takkke it.

Assuming we were given a choice, which we’re not, but assuming we were between straight, gay, bisexual, lesbian…

Do not choose ‘lesbian’ it is the worst combination. You have been warned.

Why do women need to make everything about 100 times more complicated than it already is?

Women can’t ‘just have sex’ with each other. Ohh they can pretend but it’s not going to happen, my friend.

So we have the friend zone, the sex zone and the relationship zone.

If you meet a woman, you must pick a zone and stick to it. You have 3 days to decide which zone to put them in. If you try to move between zones you will end up with your cats (because all lesbians have cats) nailed to the garden shed.

And I am against cruelty to animals, so please, I urge you, make your decision, and make it snappy.

Very scientific diagram to illustrate my point

Very scientific diagram to illustrate my point

Also worth noting, lesbians cannot draw circles very well.

All lesbians come with at least one crazy ex who will sabotage your sex date (I shaved my legs and everything), I mean, it’s been 4 years, but you can’t have sex with someone else?!!! You’re MY exx and miinee forever. I will throw your bin-bags full of clothes on the street and I’m keeping the cats.

Okay, okay, tell me all about it. I’m not inhuman. I know, feelings, emotions, complications… tell me your woes, I have a kind heart and a good ear.

You, my friend, are already in the friend zone. You were the one who said no strings attached… you!!! But no I’m dancing about like a crazy puppet.

I am a nice person. Granted I only wanted sex, but my niceness has just got in the way.

Maybe men are bastards, but sometimes, what you need is a nice bastard, who tells it like it is, has no inclination towards owning a family of cats and is absolutely crap in bed.

Because let’s face it, if someone is good in bed, before you know it your orgasmic heights have merged into a dizzying euphoric bond akin to some sort of ultra-performance superglue and you are attached.

Coming back to vampires, as everything inevitably does, you’ve drunk their blood, now they can sense when you’re in trouble, when you’re going out with the intent of pulling a new girl. I sense cleavage. Perfume. She’s… no…

“Sookie is mine.” Said in Bill Compton’s Southern drawl.

“Sookie is mine”

And finally, a video… You and your hand. Or I guess, me and my hand.

It’s fine, it’s fine. I needed to shave my legs anyway.

Pink – U + Ur Hand

Uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh huh. Sorry, I was singing along.

9 thoughts on “Pick a zone, ladies.

  1. Sookie is mine…lol. My god where do you find it all? Anyway, Pink, yeah hot and smart, and can actually sing a tune. But really your post was about all sorts of other stuff. Stereotypes – do you know, I think it is as simple as people needing to know which box to put you in….even in their heads? I think sometimes the friend zone is ambiguous – and you can lose a friend if you have sex with her. Or him. But on the other hand that can grow to a great relationship because at least you like each other. Funny thing wiht some relationships I see, it is as if they fuck and live together but do not even like each other. Well, I think you need to lean on whoever it is and say “Do better.” It is about moving past stereotypes and insisting on being treated as you really are. All the same, it does not always work….what a post. I love how your posts go all over the place. Actually I just love your posts.

  2. Midnight, I’m drunk… but I don’t give a… yeah. That song is awesome. Like your diagram, and straight women can’t draw circles any better. 😛

    Sorry. Relationships are confusing. I’ve found that the best way for me to function in them is to remove the sex. At the end, it’s just not worth it. But I’m strange. So sue for kitty custody if you have to!

    • Lol, now you see… I don’t have a cat. Actually I don’t have a shed either come to think of it, just something someone said to me about nailing cats to sheds (my friends are sooo helpful in these situations!)

      Am obviously bisexual 😉 I guess I just didn’t realise, the lack of cats should have been a clue!!!

      Oh and take the sex out of the relationships I’m sure that would solve everybody’s problems… great idea!

      You are so right, sex is the downfall lol.

      Ahh remember the days when life was less complicated, like before the age of ten lol.

  3. I love, love, love Pink. She’s another one of those women that I find captivating. In the video “Stupid Girls”, the scene where she’s washing the car … G watched that too, and he was like, play it again! LOL. It’s fun being a with a guy where you can both enjoy admiring the same people without stupid jealousy getting in the way.

    Those ex’s (exes?), whatever, who won’t let go, very annoying. It’s usually the case that they themselves haven’t really moved on emotionally. They may be sleeping with someone (or even living with them), but until they are crazy mad in love with someone else, they will still be jealous of the former lover. Once they get their heart swept away by someone else and then someone mentions their ex, it’s like, “Who?? Oh yeah, right.” Basically, for some people (not all), they need an eclipse. Someone else needs to eclipse the moon (last lover) and then they forget … finally. Or at least, they stop caring.

    I heard somewhere (could have been TV, so fair warning) that when women have sex, their brain (I think) or some gland … releases a hormone which causes them to become emotionally attached to that person. So IF that’s true (you can try googling it if you like) then there’s nothing, diddly-do, squat that we can do about developing feelings for someone we are sleeping with. The only way for that not to happen is if we really dislike that person (but then we probably wouldn’t be sleeping with them).

    A lot of men though, they can dislike a woman and still find her hot and enjoy sleeping with her. Women tend not to want to have sex with someone whom they hate. Not the same as being angry or hurt – it’s someone whose attitude and personality makes you cringe, even if they’re good-looking. The kind of person you can’t stand even bumping into. We usually find that a turn off, but a lot of men don’t care. This is not true of all men though. I have this on good authority from G who thinks “stupidity” is a huge turn off. Also “clinginess”. No amount of gorgeousness can compensate. He would run a mile.

    By the way, G has seen several photos of you and says that there will definitely be men who will fancy you just the way you are. No need to change the way you dress or anything. He’s surprised you don’t have men hitting on you all the time and wonders if you’re not hanging out in the right places. Not that I’m suggesting you choose man over woman; it’s just you mentioned once in a post about would some men like a woman who wears a hoodie, etc. Official answer from straight man with discerning taste: Yes.

    We are different creatures. Women are weird, men are weird. I recommend reading the blurb at the top of my homepage by Dr. Seuss again. Find someone whose weirdness is compatible with your own and fall in mutual weirdness, whether they be male or female. Good luck.

    • Haha I think you might be right… perhaps the gay bar is not the best place to pull blokes? Why did I not think of this… I was complimenting his Cher impersonation and everything!!!

      Although I did manage to pull a bloke in a lesbian disco last week, I mean, that’s good going!

      Still, one is used to what one is used to.

      I have been venturing to a few gigs full of like sensitive indie boys… trying to broaden my horizons lol.

      But I mean, my friends are gay, so we go gay lol.

      Oh and thanks for the nod from G, but since pulling said bloke I am not so concerned about this now.

      I’ve found it’s kind of like a power shift as well, sounds mad but when I’m with a girl it’s like I am grateful (Oh so very grateful) to see the girl naked. But ha… seems with boys it may be the other way round? Like, oh aren’t you lucky?!

      So I have kind of gotten over my insecurities in that regard.

  4. My bestie is a lesbian and i just spent over and hour on the phone with her the other night trying to figure out her relationship woes with the girl she was dating. Massive headache. Not saying relationships with dudes are easier, but sometimes, it’s a lot less drama. Like with Omar. We were friends first. I told him we are only friends. He said okay. Then i said lets have sex, but no relationship( i didn’t want a rebound relationship) .THEN we started dating. It was clean cut. With dudes i feel things are so simple. You can lay out the terms and change them at any time. But with girls, is always so much THINKING and emotions and talking.

    I’m generalizing of course. I’m no expert. But you definitely aren’t the only one to feel this way.

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