I cannot takkke it.
Assuming we were given a choice, which we’re not, but assuming we were between straight, gay, bisexual, lesbian…
Do not choose ‘lesbian’ it is the worst combination. You have been warned.
Why do women need to make everything about 100 times more complicated than it already is?
Women can’t ‘just have sex’ with each other. Ohh they can pretend but it’s not going to happen, my friend.
So we have the friend zone, the sex zone and the relationship zone.
If you meet a woman, you must pick a zone and stick to it. You have 3 days to decide which zone to put them in. If you try to move between zones you will end up with your cats (because all lesbians have cats) nailed to the garden shed.
And I am against cruelty to animals, so please, I urge you, make your decision, and make it snappy.
Also worth noting, lesbians cannot draw circles very well.
All lesbians come with at least one crazy ex who will sabotage your sex date (I shaved my legs and everything), I mean, it’s been 4 years, but you can’t have sex with someone else?!!! You’re MY exx and miinee forever. I will throw your bin-bags full of clothes on the street and I’m keeping the cats.
Okay, okay, tell me all about it. I’m not inhuman. I know, feelings, emotions, complications… tell me your woes, I have a kind heart and a good ear.
You, my friend, are already in the friend zone. You were the one who said no strings attached… you!!! But no I’m dancing about like a crazy puppet.
I am a nice person. Granted I only wanted sex, but my niceness has just got in the way.
Maybe men are bastards, but sometimes, what you need is a nice bastard, who tells it like it is, has no inclination towards owning a family of cats and is absolutely crap in bed.
Because let’s face it, if someone is good in bed, before you know it your orgasmic heights have merged into a dizzying euphoric bond akin to some sort of ultra-performance superglue and you are attached.
Coming back to vampires, as everything inevitably does, you’ve drunk their blood, now they can sense when you’re in trouble, when you’re going out with the intent of pulling a new girl. I sense cleavage. Perfume. She’s… no…
“Sookie is mine.” Said in Bill Compton’s Southern drawl.
And finally, a video… You and your hand. Or I guess, me and my hand.
It’s fine, it’s fine. I needed to shave my legs anyway.
Uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh huh. Sorry, I was singing along.