I’ve watched you change

I’m not a fan of change, as I’ve mentioned before on my blog. Just a warning, this post may contain discussion of my feelings.

Today I enrolled on a training course, which I shall be doing alongside a job. I’m wasn’t sure this day would ever really come. Dental nursing, what I’ll be doing anyway.

I have experienced a rollercoaster of feelings, from glee and excitement to sheer nauseating terror.

I am not good at making decisions. But after support of friends and a chat with a very friendly dentist, I have taken the plunge.

The thought of exams and training fills me with dread. I feel half-positive I should be more than capable, I mean I do have a frikking degree and all’s needed for the course is an A Level or something. I feel positive it will be something I will enjoy greatly. I have been considering general nursing for a while now, what with my whole ‘caring’ side. Yes, I really do have one.

And this, as a career, has got great prospects, potential for progression also, and more specialised training later on. It is practical, hands-on sort of work (love).

Needless to say, if and when I start working, I’ll be blogging a bit less. Probably. There will undoubtedly be less painting, poetry, music. I mean, that makes me kind of sad. Hopefully I will still have some time for that! Or I think I may go insane. I have discovered this whole other side to myself I didn’t really know I had. And I have so much enjoyed expressing myself. And yes, my feelings.

I am still working on stuff. Myself. I think this course, functioning in the normal world again, will be mentally challenging for me.

I feel proud of myself that I have come this far, given my rather precarious mental state this time last year.

I know how difficult for me it has been to even, sort of, put one foot in front of the other, of late. But at the moment I feel kind of proud. Nervous it’ll all go wrong of course, but proud for attempting it.

I feel a great sorrow also, that the one person I would have liked to share this with. Well, I can’t. That does make me want to cry. But seeing as I’m being so, what’s the word, amazing, at the moment, I’m not going to.

This might seem drastic but I need to give myself this encouragement and reassurance, in order that I can keep moving forward, and not become overwhelmed by everything. I need to realise how far I have come. I say I never really thought this day would come, because, I honestly, didn’t. I’ve been depressed, unable to get out of bed, to feed myself, take care of my basic needs. And not everybody knows about that. Most people certainly don’t know the extent of it or the depths I have reached.

I’ve come to realise that, much as I regret to say it, I don’t think my parents are ever going to be proud of me in the way that I need them to be. But, I am doing it for myself. Because ultimately, I am the only person I can ever rely on to be there for me.

I have been looking for love and support in the wrong places. I already have it, from my true friends, the ones that actually know the depths. The ones that don’t judge me, or metaphorically put their fingers in their ears when I tell them how very low I am. The ones that just listen, and understand. The ones that make me feel better not worse.

Even if I fail all my exams or get fired for… whatever it is you might get fired for these days. I am still proud. I mean, are you getting this, I’m clearly terrified of failure. Often so terrified, I don’t do enough work, or leave it till the last minute, scrape by. I want that to change. Really.

I hope that I can somehow, by understanding all this, the reasons why I am the way I am… get over it. And change it.

I must be extremely careful to go easy on myself and not crumble under the pressure, which can sometimes, so easily happen.

This is why I’m saying well done. Celebrating the little steps. [Insert metaphor here, little steps, big picture, something, acorns and oak trees].

Well done to me.

Deftones – Change (In the house of flies) (Acoustic)

Deftones Change

15 thoughts on “I’ve watched you change

  1. I am proud of you! I am very happy and excited for this new journey you are on! It’s a BIG step. I understand why you may not be around blogging that much , you know how you’ll be out in the real world :eyeroll: lol I will miss your blogs and will be happy to read whatever you post whenever you have the times. HUGS.

    • Thank you so much 🙂 That means a lot and you have been a very great friend to me.

      Oh and I’m not really going anywhere lol. Just may end up doing, say, one post a day instead of about ten 😉

  2. Yes, I agree. You are a brave person. I know you will succeed – I think (it is in Steppenwolf somewhere, the novel by the German writer I mean) where he says something like how he looks back on a life of zig-zagging – I think anyone with any feelings at all needs to zig-zag a lot. You need to hold on to what matters – yourself. As for the exams, I am sure you will blitz them. But what matters is not that – what matters is that you have stepped outside….like Hess’s wolf. All credit to you!

      • One was a Nazi, the other is the writer….he wrote such beautiful books. And on a different topic, I forgot to say that the plural of penis is penes….sounds like pasta – lol indeed! And it also referred to a tail….you see, Rebecca, with man-meat, there are these basic tendencies….we are kind of, well, ape-like. But then, do apes even have tails? Maybe we are more like dogs. I like dogs. I think every girl should have a dog. I even posted a song, “I wanna be your dog” which, although not a great song, says most of what needs to be said on the matter. I wonder if it is true really that dogs choose their mistresses though. I suspect mistresses should choose their dogs. And some girls do not like pets at all…not at all And here I am raving on again….sorry

        • Oh I see, Hess was a Nazi and Hesse a writer… hence the need for clarification?

          Maybe I am a little cleverer than I give myself credit for, I did have a feeling Hess was a Nazi, whereas Hesse, not heard of him before today.

          But now I know lol. Although sure I will forget by tomorrow…

          As for pets, not sure I could handle a dog at the moment, although it would be nice to have someone fetch my slippers lol.

          • You are clever, yes. And yes, you do need a dog to get your slippers for you, but if that is the only thing you need, well, dogs are not worth the trouble…lol indeed.

  3. Sounds like you’re living on the edge of flight, freeze or fight…I usually “choose” freeze too. Always loved that Deftones track. Sad to hear about their bassist eh?

  4. You r pretty amazing. Strange to say that when we haven’t met but nonetheless what u wrote makes me think that way. It’s amazing how u have not only self analyzed your life but also mapped out a positive path . What I read, makes me think of a strong person (empowered is just over used) who is unafraid of changes but instead embraces challenges instead of self pity. And yes I think if u have gone thru the trials n tribulations of a degree- your dental nursing course is probably not that much of a hurdle. Most of the time I think it is the thought of getting back into the lessons n exam routine which freaks a person out but ah well its not totally numbing. At the end of your blog I was mentally applauding – I’m just that way when I hear of a good ending (beginning). Sad that u will blog less ( your postings makes an interesting read at the end of a loooong day) but super glad that u r on this exciting new journey! I wish u well n looking out for the post work blog.

    Nb1. Just went thru a tooth extraction recently n I imagine if I had a dental nurse like u who was comfortingly witty , the experience would have definitely been less painful.
    Nb2. Dental nurses are in demand globally which makes u a potentially v mobile worker.
    Nb3. Sorry for this v long post. Had 2nd n 3rd thoughts abt writing it but what the heck.😉

  5. This is absolutely fantastic and I’m so proud of you! Thank you for doing this for yourself. You deserve the best and you haven’t been getting that lately, so it’s about time you did. *hugs*

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