I’m not a fan of change, as I’ve mentioned before on my blog. Just a warning, this post may contain discussion of my feelings.
Today I enrolled on a training course, which I shall be doing alongside a job. I’m wasn’t sure this day would ever really come. Dental nursing, what I’ll be doing anyway.
I have experienced a rollercoaster of feelings, from glee and excitement to sheer nauseating terror.
I am not good at making decisions. But after support of friends and a chat with a very friendly dentist, I have taken the plunge.
The thought of exams and training fills me with dread. I feel half-positive I should be more than capable, I mean I do have a frikking degree and all’s needed for the course is an A Level or something. I feel positive it will be something I will enjoy greatly. I have been considering general nursing for a while now, what with my whole ‘caring’ side. Yes, I really do have one.
And this, as a career, has got great prospects, potential for progression also, and more specialised training later on. It is practical, hands-on sort of work (love).
Needless to say, if and when I start working, I’ll be blogging a bit less. Probably. There will undoubtedly be less painting, poetry, music. I mean, that makes me kind of sad. Hopefully I will still have some time for that! Or I think I may go insane. I have discovered this whole other side to myself I didn’t really know I had. And I have so much enjoyed expressing myself. And yes, my feelings.
I am still working on stuff. Myself. I think this course, functioning in the normal world again, will be mentally challenging for me.
I feel proud of myself that I have come this far, given my rather precarious mental state this time last year.
I know how difficult for me it has been to even, sort of, put one foot in front of the other, of late. But at the moment I feel kind of proud. Nervous it’ll all go wrong of course, but proud for attempting it.
I feel a great sorrow also, that the one person I would have liked to share this with. Well, I can’t. That does make me want to cry. But seeing as I’m being so, what’s the word, amazing, at the moment, I’m not going to.
This might seem drastic but I need to give myself this encouragement and reassurance, in order that I can keep moving forward, and not become overwhelmed by everything. I need to realise how far I have come. I say I never really thought this day would come, because, I honestly, didn’t. I’ve been depressed, unable to get out of bed, to feed myself, take care of my basic needs. And not everybody knows about that. Most people certainly don’t know the extent of it or the depths I have reached.
I’ve come to realise that, much as I regret to say it, I don’t think my parents are ever going to be proud of me in the way that I need them to be. But, I am doing it for myself. Because ultimately, I am the only person I can ever rely on to be there for me.
I have been looking for love and support in the wrong places. I already have it, from my true friends, the ones that actually know the depths. The ones that don’t judge me, or metaphorically put their fingers in their ears when I tell them how very low I am. The ones that just listen, and understand. The ones that make me feel better not worse.
Even if I fail all my exams or get fired for… whatever it is you might get fired for these days. I am still proud. I mean, are you getting this, I’m clearly terrified of failure. Often so terrified, I don’t do enough work, or leave it till the last minute, scrape by. I want that to change. Really.
I hope that I can somehow, by understanding all this, the reasons why I am the way I am… get over it. And change it.
I must be extremely careful to go easy on myself and not crumble under the pressure, which can sometimes, so easily happen.
This is why I’m saying well done. Celebrating the little steps. [Insert metaphor here, little steps, big picture, something, acorns and oak trees].
Well done to me.