Small steps

Today was a really good day. I’m still smiling.

I was the most productive I have been in a long while. I got my CV and cover letter done, and simplified, to make for easy reading. With the help of my friends who have been great, reading it over for me and making suggestions.

I’ve applied for two jobs, completed all my online registration stuff for the course. I mean, I’m about a week behind the other students because I have been sat, staring, not feeling able to get started, but now it’s done. Patting myself on the back again.

I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed with all the love and support  I’ve been shown.

Also, I’ve been making progress with my mother, speaking to her about all this stuff, and today she even asked how my stomach was, completely unsolicited. This sounds so sad and ridiculous… normally she avoids talking about it, so that made me really happy.

I am making small steps, but it feels fucking great. And I’m so excited to start my new course.

I also cancelled my sex date, because, well, I don’t feel like I need it.

And I’m experiencing no particular urges to get drunk. Most strange.

And my blogging friends, who are really most wonderful, especially John… without your support I don’t think I would have admitted things I have, or been able to discuss things in such a way. I feel the result of this past few difficult weeks has been somewhat positive. And was something that needed to be done.

Also something I read on Submission of Elle’s blog, a list…. Well that’s twice now I’ve just been utterly gobsmacked by something fitting me, so exactly. The first was the characteristics of an INFP, and this is the second…

Personality traits of a profound submissive:

  • She is very sensitive to my moods, body language, and tone of voice. She is very sensitive to criticism. [Extremely, I take criticism very personally, though I try to temper this, it’s with great difficulty]
  • She has a child-like presence.
  • She is eager to please me and eager to follow my suggestions.
  • She is sexually aroused/fascinated by my dominant presence.
  • She turns to me as an authority/advisor when she has personal questions. [All the time]
  • She says something’s been missing in all her previous relationships.
  • She finds herself becoming anxious coping with everyday life on her own. [Really feel unable to cope alone, why some recent losses have hit me so hard.]
  • She says she feels as if she’s putting on a mask or role as an adult, an employee, a boss, a parent.
  • She’s a nurturer, often being a customer service agent, a nurse, a caregiver of some kind. [I have literally just enrolled on a course as a nurse, and I think it will suit me perfectly]
  • She takes on guilt that doesn’t belong to her; she tries to fix everyone’s problems. [Unfortunately I do. Like in my recent post about a problem shared being a problem doubled.]
  • She feels that often people are able to take advantage of her giving nature.
  • She admits to having put up powerful emotional barriers because people can hurt her so easily. [Especially so at the moment]
  • She finds it generally hard to trust people, but paradoxically wants very badly to trust me. Conversely, she may be much too trusting in a child-like way and keeps getting hurt.
  • She has always felt oddly out of place and “different” from others. She may even feel there is something wrong with her.
  • From a young age she has found pleasure in serving others; being a good hostess, doing as she’s told, remembering everyone’s birthdays, being everyone’s shoulder to cry on and everyone’s helpmate.
  • She finds it difficult to resist authority or aggressive behaviour; she may have been picked on by bullies all her life. [This is the only point on the list that I don’t feel is necessarily true for me and I am, I think, able to stand up to bullies or aggression]

Ok I think I’ve established that that’s me, down to a tee. I’m not sure I like it. I’m not sure if it’s something I can change or whether it’s something I’m going to have to learn to live with. I hate the feelings of helplessness and dependency, which mean I often feel like I’m having my heart ripped out when someone I grow to depend on leaves me. It seems totally unhealthy. I’m not sure if my relationship with my family will ever be able to fulfil the role I think I would like it to. I’m not sure about anything basically.

Painting 'Reserved'  by Kabbeko on deviantart.com

Painting ‘Reserved’ by Kabbeko on deviantart.com

All I know is, today was a good day.

And even seeing something which would normally have made me crack, has not.

20 thoughts on “Small steps

  1. So glad you had a good day! And congrats on your nursing course. Nursing is so noble. I hear you regarding the last trait. I’m a NY girl who used to beat up bullies back in the day and I have always stood up to aggression. I really don’t back down from a fight. However, the authority issue is a sticking point for me. Many career military in my family so I have a profound respect for men in uniform. I have always been respectful of other authority positions like doctors, judges, and clergy. Unfortunately, if I get taken advantage of by anyone it’s someone who’s been regarded as an authority figure. My Sir has helped me put it all in perspective and now I do not submit to anyone but him. Period. Took me a while to get there, but I arrived.

    • So glad for you 🙂 And yes, thanks, I’m excited to start the nursing.

      I’m similar with the authority figures I guess, although not doctors anymore… I’ve had so many unfortunate dealings with them that I now see them for the fallible beings that they are, and have got quite used to, well, telling them when I think they are being stupid lol.

  2. So nice of you, always so kind. But what is getting me going is how that list you fished from Elle is me as well. Talk about subspace or whatever they call it. I had thought of myself as straightforward masochist, but those neuroses or whatever they are fit me to a tee as well. I find that confronting too, I must admit. I wonder what it means, or adds up to. I mean what hope etc…? I never know what I will find when I wander in here.

    Then on another matter, you, I am so glad you are doing better with your mother. She seems so uncaring, but perhaps that is her. Just as long as she does not expect it in return, I guess. I thought I was over it with my parents as well, but it never ends…it is crazy realy…and we pay for it as long as we hold on to it, yet they keep on doing it. they really do.

    • Yes, it is very sad. I don’t know if our parents realise the power they have over us. I have another friend as well who is struggling with her mother right now. It affects you, doesn’t it.

  3. Oh, and this comment is in 2 parts because I can’t figure out how to operate my computer properly. 😀 Just in case you were wondering. Now get some sleep sweetie! It’s late here, so it must be super late there.

  4. Pingback: Submissive space – humiliation and self-confidence « writingthebody

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