There you go, black and white, or is it sepia, vulva.
Fair is fair.
Both of these images make me feel queasy. I don’t know when I got so frightened of women.
I’m feeling a little traumatised.
I want something, ultimately, a relationship. But I’m too scared. Terrified of being hurt. Terrified of women. To the point where I’m just numb. I go out, and I’m numb. I still force myself to go out, feel it’s something I have to do. To prove to myself that I’m ‘moving on’. But I hate every second of it. And I only fancy men. But I do not want a relationship with a man.
I’d rather just be a regular old lesbian, but I don’t seem to be having much choice in the matter.
I’m only watching men in porn.
The trouble is, this is not what I want for my life. It’s not what I want, in my heart. But it’s all I’m capable of right now. Men, or nothing.
And all the while I’m hoping some woman is going to come along and sweep me off my feet and everything will go back to normal.
And so very worried, that I only want to get it on with men. I know what I want but I have no control over it. There is a disparity between what my heart wants, which is to be lying in bed with a woman, hugging, spooning, all that nice stuff… and what my vagina wants, which seems to be a cock and a man with muscular arms and abs, but really not that bothered about the hugging and the spooning. I mean, it’s fine, I’ll do it, it’s nice enough. But it doesn’t make me feel all warm inside.
My heart’s a lesbian. My vagina’s straight.
And I just want my vagina to be a lesbian again or I envisage problems. Like a life of meaningless sex.
Ok, i’m going to try and stop worrying about it now because it’ll probably only make it worse.
And wait to get my mojo back.
[said in the voice of Rose Dawson from the Titanic]