In the interest of equality… (vulva)

vulva

There you go, black and white, or is it sepia, vulva.

insertion

Fair is fair.

Both of these images make me feel queasy. I don’t know when I got so frightened of women.

I’m feeling a little traumatised.

I want something, ultimately, a relationship. But I’m too scared. Terrified of being hurt. Terrified of women. To the point where I’m just numb. I go out, and I’m numb. I still force myself to go out, feel it’s something I have to do. To prove to myself that I’m ‘moving on’. But I hate every second of it. And I only fancy men. But I do not want a relationship with a man.

I’d rather just be a regular old lesbian, but I don’t seem to be having much choice in the matter.

I’m only watching men in porn.

The trouble is, this is not what I want for my life. It’s not what I want, in my heart. But it’s all I’m capable of right now. Men, or nothing.

And all the while I’m hoping some woman is going to come along and sweep me off my feet and everything will go back to normal.

And so very worried, that I only want to get it on with men. I know what I want but I have no control over it. There is a disparity between what my heart wants, which is to be lying in bed with a woman, hugging, spooning, all that nice stuff… and what my vagina wants, which seems to be a cock and a man with muscular arms and abs, but really not that bothered about the hugging and the spooning. I mean, it’s fine, I’ll do it, it’s nice enough. But it doesn’t make me feel all warm inside.

My heart’s a lesbian. My vagina’s straight.

And I just want my vagina to be a lesbian again or I envisage problems. Like a life of meaningless sex.

Ok, i’m going to try and stop worrying about it now because it’ll probably only make it worse.

Chill. Out.

And wait to get my mojo back.

mojoCome back!

[said in the voice of Rose Dawson from the Titanic]

come back

10 thoughts on “In the interest of equality… (vulva)

  1. Gawd….I think the warm is what you need. I am just going on what you are saying. But sometimes, and I do not know if this makes sense – I find there are periods where you want something intensely – and then suddenly it fades. I think the man-meat and simple sex and even porn thing may be related to the internal immuno-traumas you suffered too that you described earlier – that you are now recovered from to some extent. If this is wide of the mark (or heaven forbid offensive) do just correct me….but I think love will come Rebecca. It will come. But you do have to let it in. As for going out, well that hardly matters. Your workplace is probably a better bet with all those customers coming and going. Coffee people, I don’t know. Someone is there, I am sure of it.

  2. As for the images, well the first one is sweet, and the second one is more porn, but also sweet I guess.

  3. Pingback: Lost your Mojo? « writingthebody

  4. Focus on you. Your career, your life and just give yourself time. Don’t make yourself crazy, don’t stress out, just be yourself and learn to be happy with who you are and what you have going for yourself. Pick up some hobbies, do things you’ve always wanted to. Eat all the battered sausages you desire!

    You are doing just fine. 🙂

  5. I belive you can have your cake and eat it too. That “Special ” person will be brought to you when you least expect it. It happened to me 23 years ago. If your lover is female, she can wear a strap-on and then you can still be penetrated. I personally find there are some pictures of Vagina’s or I like to refer to mine as “My Flower”, that are beautifully done and are very erotic. Then there are those pictures that are not eye candy. I believe in following your heart, and the rest will fall into place.

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