Tale of the angry overthinker

Life deals the cards and we’re all bluffing

Time heals no wounds

I’m angry

I shout at people who deserve it

Like the boy doing a wheelie in front of my car

Like the man, that man

I’m angry at you

God knows what I’d do if I saw you

Probably hug you

I learn to care less

But the less I care about others

The less I care about myself

I’m angry at the person who wants me to help them

With their depression

Are you crazy?

Don’t ask me to help you

I’m trying to help myself

I bite my tongue to stop myself from saying

Do it

Then

Go and play on the railway tracks

There’s a good little girl

Like my dad always used to say

And everything hurts

In my body

And in my mind

I can barely walk

I’m incontinent

And they told me I could have the really expensive drugs

Paid for by people’s taxes

And I’m clutching the letter from the hospital

Driving to work

My eyes fill with tears

At the thought

That somebody would think I’m worth spending that amount of money on

Money that I could never earn myself

But I’m not happy

I’m crying because I’m scared

And I don’t understand

Why anyone would do that for me

I feel like an ungrateful, selfish bastard

Because I just want to talk to you

Even though you’re not worth my time

You made me feel something

Yes it was a game

A game you didn’t even know you were playing

And we both got three aces

Which is strange because there are only four in a pack

5 thoughts on “Tale of the angry overthinker

  1. Don’t ask me why, but I thought of this as I read your post. Eminem is good for the soul. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgT1AidzRWM

    Bex, you can’t put a dollar amount on your life. Don’t cry on your way to work because other people see that. Quite frankly, who the hell can afford a drug that is $22,000 a year? But it does have a 45% annual success rate and you met all three of the criteria.

    I know you’ve tried countless treatments and you don’t want surgery. This is the next option. Don’t be upset, realize that you have literally done everything possible to get better and that health care providers realize that. Don’t be afraid, it’s an IV treatment.

    If you feel the depression flaring up, write it out. Talk it out. Realize that people care about you. Don’t play on the tracks. Channel all that into doing things that are going to create the life you want. Don’t give your time, energy, and emotion to people who treat you badly no matter who they are. Sometimes it just isn’t worth it.

    Your health and your happiness above everything else, always. I know it’s hard, but you are brave and you will make it through this. Feel whatever you need to and then let it go. I’m here if you need me. But you’ve got this. Try not to be afraid, this could be the one that finally works. *hug*

  2. This one gives me what I think of as the ‘facebook crisis’. The only button that expresses my admiration and envy for what you’ve crafted is ‘like’, and that really doesn’t seem like the response I want to convey. We need a ‘this is wonderful, but heartbreaking’ button.

  3. Yes I am reading it as a story of you….veering into verse at the end….Goodness we would send you the money ourselves. Of course you are worth it. I just wish you did not suffer like that. I feel so damned lucky to have a body that is indestructible….and I know that I am not worth your time, but you know, I am such a dick I write on your comment box anyway….and you can always delete it if you want to….do take care, seriously, we love you.

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