I was not expecting that

Move the dirty tray with half-eaten Pot Noodle and tissues off the oven top.

Turn on the large hob flame.

Look in the cutlery drawer.

Perfect.

Orange plastic-handled scissors. Not clean.

Rusty, sticky, but I need to do this now.

Heat up scissor arm in flame.

Couple of seconds, can’t be that hot yet.

Pull down trousers.

Place blade on leg.

It’s hot and cuts the skin.

Heat up again, longer this time.

Second placement, parallel to the first, better, deeper, know what to expect.

Third touch, tentative again, parallel.

Pull pants back up quickly.

Turn off hob.

Burst into tears.

It was just an experiment, wasn’t it.

I wasn’t expecting the emotional reaction.

Look at it again.

The marks look intentional.

I need to be more considered, it needs to be better hidden, because visiting my parents involves a bikini.

And other thoughts

It has been such a long time.

But I feel so much better now.

Calmer.

I feel like I can rest.

5 thoughts on “I was not expecting that

  1. Dear Rebecca, a) yes, please do it in places where it does not show (unless you want a particular person to see it – then think about who and why that is), and b) I love becoming object….and yes, I do hurt myself till I bruise or bleed…..and that shock of blood is, well, it makes me squeamish too, unless someone else draws the blood….or makes the bruise or whatever. But as you do that stuff,try to get closer to what is happening inside you…..is it turning you on? Or perhaps it i completely nonsexual, and it brings you to a space of emotional heightenedness (not a word, never mind), or perhaps again, does it take you away from yourself? These are answers I have to some of the things I have done to myself over the years….and sometimes it is a combination of them, or sometimes just one of them. I do not know what the pleasure is that I get from hitting myself in the same place over and over….that is just a distancing of me. So think about it…what is it doing inside you, before you take up those things, as you think of doing it – and do you really need to do it? And how does it feel afterwards (exhaustion? shame? satiation?). God, I am not really a guide…so far from it. Take care of yourself…love yourself a bit….hug yourself for me….we love and adore you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s