And all that I remember is the feeling of waking up


We are kids.
It’s gratuitous.
I’m standing still, ambivalent.
Everything serves its purpose.
If I keep thinking about it this much, it will happen again.
It’s impulsive, a bad idea
And it makes me feel like something’s wrong, obviously it is.
But it is less damaging than so many other things.
So many other things.
It is really of little concern
And I’m ok for now because it still stings.
And if it wasn’t for the realisation that it is inappropriate,
If it was for my enjoyment I would have done my whole leg.
In work, I look forward to coming home to this.
But I know how it goes, I’m not ashamed
As things that are “wrong” are naturally more tempting
So I’m just going to say, it is what it is.

I’ve had enough of battling with myself, and with (the) others.

It’s not the end.

When did anything ever end?

It’s ongoing, but I’m not standing still.

A tattoo, to mark the moment, that you didn’t choose.

It’s just… Some moments choose you.

8 thoughts on “And all that I remember is the feeling of waking up

  1. No it is not the end….of course it isn’t, as you say, but you are sounding far from yourself just now. Which bit of your body is that? Take care, regardless….the marks on the inside are the ones that matter….x

  2. No, you’re right, I’m not myself right now. It’s my leg as described in the previous post. I’m trying to scrape dome money to get a tattoo, but it’s not going well. Not sure what or where but I have a feeling I’ll be undecided right up until I do it but just going to do it anyway. And thanks for taking the time to comment John x

    • Always Rebecca….always. I did not put the two posts together…..and it does not make me feel better…..God I feel wretched that I cannot help you at all….do look after yourself just a little better, my dear friend! You are just such a wonderful person to read, to hear, to see….and I am sure, to know. ….I feel really lucky just to share space with you, that you take the trouble to reply to me….I do not want to bother you with my stupid raves….so I have tried not to do it too much! Take care, please……x

  3. Quite beautifully dark words but i know you write from a place of realism , so I’m a little bit worried. How are you? I know I was absent for awhile but i missed ya and I’m doing better at coming back onto wordpress. Feel free to drop me a line anytime!

    • Thanks Tasha, you’re very sweet. I am ok. I think, that meeting someone covered in scars sort of triggered it off. And stress. I have exams coming up that doesn’t help. Hope you are well x

  4. Pingback: Writing the Body – Sophie Ristelhueber « writingthebody

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