Try Honesty

I bought a wireless keyboard. It’s good but I still can’t do it lying down.

I am being worked ragged. It’s kind of atrocious. I’m exhausted. I have an exam I’m too exhausted to do anything about.

The thought of having to get up on a Saturday morning to go to class makes me feel something that’s not suicidal, but similar.

Working like this makes me ill. It makes me drink, which makes me ill. Stress makes me ill.

On Monday I had a constant pain in my chest. Stress-related.

Now I’m too exhausted to have stress pains, and have turned once again, to not really giving a fuck.

After my last infusion I had jerking extremities, which I assume is not a particularly good thing. And assuming it gets worse, as these things tend to, it may put paid to this drug. I knew it wouldn’t last.

So I’m ignoring the fact that I’ve got a letter asking me to make a further appointment with the surgeon. My excuse, oh, I’ve got a very important exam.

It’s kind of scary. What is this crap doing to my nervous system. It’s like a Parkinson’s disease shudder. Luckily only lasts a few hours. So I’m driving home with my clutch leg shaking, the willpower to keep it vaguely under control is immense. I know I shouldn’t be driving.

I had my tarot read. Four different cards to do with obsession. Not in a good way. And an ensuing discussion about my obsession. Which is not going away, just eating me from the inside out.

And the ongoing confusion about my gender. Not going away. But seeming less important than it should. According to traditional trans folklore.

There are lots of things I don’t do anything about.

3 thoughts on “Try Honesty

  1. Just know that you are certainly not the only one who feels the way you do! And in terms of not doing things (about things that I could be doing things about), I totally get it. Just don’t let my dissertation advisor see that previous sentence!

  2. I don’t want to say it – but, well hang in there. As for confusion about gender, well, it is something to go with I think – just don’t close any of it off at least not till something, someone, you like enough comes along….this is from a week ago, so I guess some of it is in the past now..

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