Too ill to care

I was naive. My parents were cool because they thought I was joking. They don’t want me to change my name. As my friends pointed out, and I know this is the case (a) they’re doing quite well (b) very well considering their Daily Mail education (c) it’s going to be a shock to them (d) they probably don’t realise it is possible to live outside the gender binary (e) they’re probably scared of the fact that I will be wanting surgery and are imagining the worst.

I cried for a couple of days. Now I just feel ill. Usual stuff. Colitis.

Self care is hard. Work is getting too much for me. I can’t cope. But I keep on going in. I don’t want it to all go to waste.

Having a job is difficult because my health plays second fiddle. There is very often no-one to cover me. If I can’t go in, and they can’t get an agency nurse, they have to cancel a whole day of patients. Everybody loses money. I’d love to not care and just put myself first but it’s so hard. And I can feel myself slipping. I can sense everything about to go wrong from pushing it too hard. Mornings are horrible. I can’t get off the toilet. And there are extra pressures of late, which I won’t go into. But it can’t be long till I have a breakdown.

The emotional pressures of everything else on top. It’s just left me with a deep sadness. It’s one of those things where you know it will be a tough time in your life and you just have to get through it.

I really need to get my colon chopped out. To stop waiting. To ignore my job, remember it’s not that important. I hate that it feels important.

And I need to keep making progress with my transition. I’ve made a GP appointment that’s the first step.

It’s a weird question of priorities
1. General health and wellbeing
2. Emotional health
3. My parents emotional health
10. My job

When you have limited energy, what do you do with it. Because it’s very easy to do nothing. And takes superhuman effort to do something.

At least I told my parents. I think that was kind of brave.

But then I think everything I do is kind of brave. I have to. It’s the only thing that keeps me going.

10 thoughts on “Too ill to care

  1. It is absolutely brave to tell your parents, that is awesome and not something I’ve been able to to do yet. You did something really difficult in doing it and absolutely deserve to be proud of yourself.

    I can also relate in how priorities get shifted. Without going into detail, my emotional health and dealing with all this trans stuff has taken on full importance. Things that I “should” be very concerned about have really slipped, which initially made me feel guilty but whatever. I need to take care of myself and this is a big deal.

    Hang in there, you’ll get through this. I’m rooting for you!

  2. I am so sorry Ive missed all of this, I had no idea what you were going through. Just wanted to say I am sorry you feel so ill and I hope you have a support mechanism in the form of friends if not family. Thinking of u…

      • Good glad you have support, do u have an FTM network of support too? One of my close friends is FTM so if you ever need support from someone going through it let me know and I will connect you. 🙂

        • Thanks… I guess I’ve been slowly building a support network of FTM friends, mostly online, for the past couple years or so without realising 🙂 And joined a UK support group on facebook recently that’s been brilliant. But if you want to put me in touch with your friend that’s cool too, can never have too many friends, esp ones that know the scoop

  3. Oh dear I seemed to have missed alot. I seen your posts on FB but they aren’t very forthcoming about your emotional state so I had no idea you’ve been struggling so. I’m just going to send you a great BIG virtual HUG and let you know I support you and I am here for you!

    I understand you worked so hard to get that job and since being there and you have worked very very hard and it’s alot to walk away from. But, medically and emotionally, I do urge you to consider it. I FINALLY took the leap to leave my retail job ( haven’t left yet) but I got a “you’re hired” from a really awesome place and every though it’s going to be part time and I haven’t even started yet i feel a weight has been lifted. Don’t think of it as giving up something you started , just taking a break. You have the experience on record now and if you leave with notice and on good terms they may take you back and if not a good reference goes a long way.

    You have been so strong and brave and putting yourself first with your transition and with your health isn’t a set back. It’s an investment into your future.

    BiG HUGS
    Tash

  4. Hugs indeed….and I do know from before that your parents are there for you, and they will get it eventually, I am sure…..xx

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