I was naive. My parents were cool because they thought I was joking. They don’t want me to change my name. As my friends pointed out, and I know this is the case (a) they’re doing quite well (b) very well considering their Daily Mail education (c) it’s going to be a shock to them (d) they probably don’t realise it is possible to live outside the gender binary (e) they’re probably scared of the fact that I will be wanting surgery and are imagining the worst.
I cried for a couple of days. Now I just feel ill. Usual stuff. Colitis.
Self care is hard. Work is getting too much for me. I can’t cope. But I keep on going in. I don’t want it to all go to waste.
Having a job is difficult because my health plays second fiddle. There is very often no-one to cover me. If I can’t go in, and they can’t get an agency nurse, they have to cancel a whole day of patients. Everybody loses money. I’d love to not care and just put myself first but it’s so hard. And I can feel myself slipping. I can sense everything about to go wrong from pushing it too hard. Mornings are horrible. I can’t get off the toilet. And there are extra pressures of late, which I won’t go into. But it can’t be long till I have a breakdown.
The emotional pressures of everything else on top. It’s just left me with a deep sadness. It’s one of those things where you know it will be a tough time in your life and you just have to get through it.
I really need to get my colon chopped out. To stop waiting. To ignore my job, remember it’s not that important. I hate that it feels important.
And I need to keep making progress with my transition. I’ve made a GP appointment that’s the first step.
It’s a weird question of priorities
1. General health and wellbeing
2. Emotional health
3. My parents emotional health
10. My job
When you have limited energy, what do you do with it. Because it’s very easy to do nothing. And takes superhuman effort to do something.
At least I told my parents. I think that was kind of brave.
But then I think everything I do is kind of brave. I have to. It’s the only thing that keeps me going.