Stools and gatekeepers

At what point will I stop being freaked out by stool coming out of my stomach?

Changing my bag and a solid-enough-to-have-a-shape stool is snaking its way out. It’s rectangular, I guess, following the shape of the hole they fashioned. You have no control over it. Nor do you know when it’s going to come out. Two rectangular snakes come out and I catch them in a tissue. Wait for a third. There is no third. Stick a new bag on.

It is beyond unnatural. I have a moderate fear of spiders and snakes, ingrained from our evolutionary past. (Ok, so my ex would happily pick a spider up and her hands and get rid of it, it’s a shame she’s leaving really). I think having a hole in your stomach with stool coming out of it, your instinctive reaction is… This is very, very wrong. When I say freaked out, it’s not a ‘scared’ feeling per se. I’m looking at it in wonderment really. Like, what the hell. What the hell happened?

I pretty much always feel like changing my bag after a shower, because the old one’s wet, mostly. And just to feel clean. Ish. I don’t think you can ever REALLY feel clean having an ileostomy bag. Because as soon as the new one’s on, there’s stuff in it. Sticking to your stoma. And there is no escaping the fact that it does smell. I could smell it in the supermarket earlier. Not saying anyone else could, but I know it as the smell by now.

Anyway, the being freaked out, does not lend itself to feeling relaxed, just before bed.

I still have a daily bout of urgency and clump of mucus out the back passage. Sometimes it is very painful to release, with a really worrying sharp pain that causes you to go weak legged, even though you’re sat on the toilet. It is yellow or green and also, of course, smells rank. It’s from the bit of the colon they left. Of course it’s painful. It’s colon, for a start, my colon has always been bad news. And then there’s probably the fact that they severed it from the rest of the colon and stitched it up. But once a day, really does seem small fry compared to how it was.

Anyway, I have been summoned into work tomorrow. There’s a new implantologist starting and I need to order things, apparently. I’m pretty nervous about going back but I’m sure they’ll ease me into it? You can guarantee I’ll end up nursing though. How it will go: I’ll cover someone for their lunch hour. Dentist will be so thrilled to have me back he won’t let me leave. There will be a back-log of Xrays that nobody has been logging that I’ll have to sift through. And then audit. I’ll probably have to prepare this new surgery. Everyone will be like “Take it easy” Nooo it doesn’t work like that. Once I’m back, I’m back. God help me. At least I haven’t got a colon that will get angry at being stressy.

Oh yes, and the day after I have a mental health assessment about being trans. The guy who is assessing me is a GATEKEEPER. They actually call them that. A gatekeeper to the gender clinic. I’m fucking terrified, that he will discharge me back to the GP. I hope this is an irrational fear. It’s hard to feel like you have a right to anything. I would like to see it is a positive as in, it’ll be good to be able to talk to someone about it. This would be fine if this person was just an independent counsellor, but when you know they’re sitting there, DIAGNOSING you. Yes, I guess I need to be saying all the right things. Which is ridiculous. I actually can’t lie. But I’ve heard of too many non-binary people having bad experiences when it comes to receiving NHS treatment. I need to get a referral.

One thought on “Stools and gatekeepers

  1. Good luck with your appointment! My first GIC appointment is still a long way off and I’m already worried about what to say in it.

    I’m not saying lie but… Well, maybe I am. The system is broken. It’s not a good system for us and it’s not got our best interests at heart, from what I’ve heard. Just keep your mind on what you want and do what you have to do to get it. If that means bending the truth to fit things into a way they’ll understand? Screw it, I say do it.

    Let us know how it goes!

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