Just start writing. Just do it.
I can’t deal with the thought of entering into a relationship with one or two people who I know actually like me. And who I like. It’s partly because when you like a friendship and you don’t want to fuck it up. A fear of being hurt when it goes wrong. And feeling like I don’t deserve it.
Instead I have inebriated, unprotected sex with men who do not respect my gender identity, or in fact, me at all as a human being. I feel disgusted with myself. Then that gives me an excuse to self harm.
I just feel disgusted. I hurt. Usually end up injured internally. And the thought that I might be pregnant or have caught an STD makes me want to throw up.
I keep putting myself in dangerous situations, with a lack of control.
I don’t know how to rectify it. Perhaps stop drinking. Drink sensibly.
Stop going home with strangers I meet in the street.
Or maybe just stop beating myself up if I do.