Compulsive self-mutilation

Yesterday, I must have been anxious, without being consciously aware I had dug my fingernails into my gum in two particular spots. By the time I’d realised it was impossible to stop. The pain immensely pleasurable. I’ve gouged the skin away now and it’s bleeding. I’m trying (and struggling) to only press with my tongue and the beds of my fingers, to allow it to heal.

I’ve always anxiously chewed the inside of my lips, in times of stress I guess, until they bleed.

Compulsive spot squeezing, that’s another one, or should I say, skin picking, because there aren’t actually any spots I just create them. Create scabs. Makes me feel like not going out.

I remember when I was younger, I’d sit in the bathroom with a pair of scissors, chopping the skin off the underneath of my feet. Translucent slices would come off until the red underneath was showing.

When I was actually in emotional pain, rather than just anxious, I’d burn my arms on the lightbulb on the bathroom mirror.

More recently I’d heat up the blade of a scissors in the flame from the hob and place it on my leg.

My gums hurt now. I don’t want to clean my teeth because I’m worried that the pressure from the bristles will set me off again, and it’s still so sore.

I’ve considered burning myself just to distract from the gum gouging.

None of this is well thought out.

I don’t hate myself or anything.

I’m just anxious.

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