I don’t know what I want

Human contact. Relationships. Friendships. Physical contact.

I’m in this weird frame of mind.

After my spate of one night stands which did not make me feel very good about myself, I’ve been online, and meeting people from online offline.

To be crude, I have offers, multiple, and presumably bona fide… From men, boys, young men wanting me to fuck them, in the arse. I don’t know how else to put it. They vary in sexuality. Those that report being straight, one of whom I just had a conversation with, I am not interested in for obvious reasons. I’ve wished him well, he’s a handsome chap and I’m sure he’ll find many a willing lady for that. Others are more tempting.

I also seem to be a hit with the ladies, have offers of a similar ilk.

I’m just not sure what I want.

What I want is, actually, to get to know someone, properly, before any type of fucking.

This is slightly at odds with my ridiculous overactive sex drive, but it is a mental thing that I just can’t shake.

I’m also getting to know a person, actually a group of persons with a view to non-sexual BDSM play.

I’m basically psyching myself up for a whipping, is what I’m trying to say.

Again, I have no idea if this is what I actually want, because, as the post title says, I don’t know what I want.

I have changed so much as a person since I started this blog.

I really enjoy sucking cock, for one thing.

Also, 18 months on testosterone mean I “FINALLY!” have some facial hair and many more people read me as male. Like the lady in the supermarket queue earlier.

I think, what I want, is some kind of meaningful relationship. One where you talk to each other, properly.

I just don’t know.

It’s kind of an in-joke with my friends at the moment, they congratulate me if I go on a night out and manage not to shag someone. Even though it’s been ages since I have, that spate of reckless picking up people I met in the street, well I have yet to live it down.

I’m just very confused right now.

Generally, things are good, I have a lot of really good friends, and things going on, and options, and a social life and that is all great. Just, perhaps, too many options.

So, I’ll leave it there.

Happy New Year.

I’ll let you know on New Year’s Day if any flogging occurred. Possibly.

I was at a scene where a young lady got flogged and was in tears, as an emotional release, which she knows to expect based on past experiences.

I imagine I’ll just be there, emotionless, wishing I could feel something.


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