I don’t know what I want

Human contact. Relationships. Friendships. Physical contact. I’m in this weird frame of mind. After my spate of one night stands which did not make me feel very good about myself, I’ve been online, and meeting people from online offline. To be crude, I have offers, multiple, and presumably bona fide… From men, boys, young men […]

I didn’t notice that the drugs stopped working

Something snapped. Wrong place, wrong time. Reading about yourself, on the internet. Or other people like you. Look up meetings in your area. No meetings in your area. Swansea, Bristol. Inconvenient times. 12 steps. As if it were a flight of stairs. Get to the landing. When you live in a fucking bungalow. Infested. Dry […]

Daily Heil

Depression hits when everything is going just fine. There is no rhyme, reason, just a cumbersome, debilitating (I want to say cloud, but it’s heavier) that stops you in your tracks. For me it gets worse when sleep is wrong. I have an 8-5 job, weekdays. This weekend I stayed up all night, went to […]

Compulsive self-mutilation

Yesterday, I must have been anxious, without being consciously aware I had dug my fingernails into my gum in two particular spots. By the time I’d realised it was impossible to stop. The pain immensely pleasurable. I’ve gouged the skin away now and it’s bleeding. I’m trying (and struggling) to only press with my tongue […]

The warmth

The discrepancy between fantasy and reality Defence and anonymity from pain Sexual undercurrents Shame-bound Imagined relationship Dignity impossible No voice Threat of violence and instability Your presence Intrinsic meaning Misinterpreted significance Destructive love Terrifying human mind Metaphorical rapist Assault my intelligence This dynamic Your disdain All-consuming Time-wasting, ongoing, controlling, unforgiving Hope Delineated boundaries Perception of […]

My own child

Having a child that is so much like you. It is you. An extension of yourself. A SAFETY BLANKET. A reassurance that it is ok to die, because half of you is left. Or two halves. I am at the point in my transition where I still have spot bleeding. I have ovaries. I know, […]

Testosterone as a calming influence.

I feel like I’m relaxing into myself. Dark hairs spread down my thighs and up my stomach. I like the patterns they create. Stubble under my chin. A voice less harsh. Two semitones lower. I feel extremes of emotion less intensely. Positive, calming. There is no rage. There is a sex drive but it is […]

‘Coping’ with a stoma

I got fed up with typing so thought I’d try dictation You’re coping very well with having a stoma though said my mother We’d been talking about my decision to have reversal surgery In the grand context of things yes I’m not sure exactly how you know this what with living in a different country […]