I don’t know what I want

Human contact. Relationships. Friendships. Physical contact. I’m in this weird frame of mind. After my spate of one night stands which did not make me feel very good about myself, I’ve been online, and meeting people from online offline. To be crude, I have offers, multiple, and presumably bona fide… From men, boys, young men […]

Daily Heil

Depression hits when everything is going just fine. There is no rhyme, reason, just a cumbersome, debilitating (I want to say cloud, but it’s heavier) that stops you in your tracks. For me it gets worse when sleep is wrong. I have an 8-5 job, weekdays. This weekend I stayed up all night, went to […]

My own child

Having a child that is so much like you. It is you. An extension of yourself. A SAFETY BLANKET. A reassurance that it is ok to die, because half of you is left. Or two halves. I am at the point in my transition where I still have spot bleeding. I have ovaries. I know, […]

Testosterone as a calming influence.

I feel like I’m relaxing into myself. Dark hairs spread down my thighs and up my stomach. I like the patterns they create. Stubble under my chin. A voice less harsh. Two semitones lower. I feel extremes of emotion less intensely. Positive, calming. There is no rage. There is a sex drive but it is […]

Stools and gatekeepers

At what point will I stop being freaked out by stool coming out of my stomach? Changing my bag and a solid-enough-to-have-a-shape stool is snaking its way out. It’s rectangular, I guess, following the shape of the hole they fashioned. You have no control over it. Nor do you know when it’s going to come […]

A happy ending

It’s the toughest time of my life, and I feel the weakest I’ve been in my life. Had to go home from work. It was (according to the schedule) an easy day. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even do the easy day. I cried all the way driving home. Every day I don’t work […]

Hidden in the sheets

The last video here was one of me teary eyed so here is one of me not teary eyed to make up for it I went to the hospital. They sent me home. Going to go back next week and see my gastroenterologist. But at least I did something about it and am doing something […]

Too ill to care

I was naive. My parents were cool because they thought I was joking. They don’t want me to change my name. As my friends pointed out, and I know this is the case (a) they’re doing quite well (b) very well considering their Daily Mail education (c) it’s going to be a shock to them […]