The wound

Imagine if you had a wound, a wide one, like the skin had been freshly stripped off. It’s coated in yellow and clear pus. Imagine the wound was constantly being stretched and touched and never allowed to heal. Imagine it’s inside of you. Imagine it’s a self-regenerating wound that your body’s antibodies constantly attack to […]

Matrix band, scalpel, it’s all the same to me.

I haven’t written anything in a while. Truth be told, I broke my laptop. I’ve got internet access on this iPad thingy, but I don’t like ‘typing’ on it. You don’t get the satisfying clickity click of the keys and I’m holding the muscles in my fingers like somebody having a cup of tea with […]

Medical obsessions

People walk up the stairs two by two Me, I’m one by one He’s so skinny I could blow him over I can’t decide if he’s being a baby Or if he’s just had enough   The nurse is kind, but stupid My questions unanswered Give up Just do it   I love my blood […]

New voicemail

Oh hi Rebecca, it’s Kate. Um I just wanted to say I’ve got your message. Um unfortunately we still haven’t got space for you to start the um infliximab as yet, but I will be in touch as soon as we have. Okay, thanks, Byebye. To listen to the message again, press 1. Beep. Oh […]

Sympathy, help, where to find it.

I’m angry and upset right now. I wish everyone had to spend a week with Colitis to know what it’s like. It wouldn’t be any use, because they would soon forget. I soon forget myself in periods of remission. I can’t start my new drugs for 3 weeks, and they may not even work. But […]

Stress and bodily responses

I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. It’s a shame my body doesn’t know it. There is stress, good stress, excitement, gets my adrenaline pumping. I feel challenged, stimulated. Again, it’s a shame my body doesn’t understand. I look down the toilet bowl the water has turned bright red. I wipe myself, stand […]

Closing off.

Sorry for the lack of blogging. Words aren’t coming easily to me at the moment. Dreams are short when they come and soon forgotten. Yesterday my dream was that I was flirting with someone. I don’t know who. I don’t remember how. That’s all. I am still absolutely loving the job. It is a complete […]

In my prison

In my prison I am never alone In my prison there is no reward for good behaviour In my prison it is too hot or too cold In my prison I hear children being toilet trained In my prison I am not supposed to stay for any length of time In my prison there are […]

My despicable health

So here we are again… I am bleeding, have urgency, maybe only 5 toilet visits a day (because I’m holding it, would be more if not in work). My blood count is still low, so she wants me to reduce my aza again for another TWO WEEKS. FYI I’ve been on my normal dose all […]

Calm and Queasy

It affects everything, being ill. Today was my clumsiest day. One thing after another. Trying not to let it get to me. How can you concentrate on doing your job when your mind is elsewhere, when your mind is in your colon. Rhetorical question. How do I get the support I need when I’m worried […]

God, the sadist.

“Is this a test? It has to be, otherwise I can’t go on.” ~ Tool So, I started flaring today. Bleeding. I’m finding it hard to keep a positive frame of mind. I feel so let down. Here is a rather repetitive piece of music that possibly is more of an insight into how I […]