I didn’t notice that the drugs stopped working

Something snapped. Wrong place, wrong time. Reading about yourself, on the internet. Or other people like you. Look up meetings in your area. No meetings in your area. Swansea, Bristol. Inconvenient times. 12 steps. As if it were a flight of stairs. Get to the landing. When you live in a fucking bungalow. Infested. Dry […]

Daily Heil

Depression hits when everything is going just fine. There is no rhyme, reason, just a cumbersome, debilitating (I want to say cloud, but it’s heavier) that stops you in your tracks. For me it gets worse when sleep is wrong. I have an 8-5 job, weekdays. This weekend I stayed up all night, went to […]

Compulsive self-mutilation

Yesterday, I must have been anxious, without being consciously aware I had dug my fingernails into my gum in two particular spots. By the time I’d realised it was impossible to stop. The pain immensely pleasurable. I’ve gouged the skin away now and it’s bleeding. I’m trying (and struggling) to only press with my tongue […]

Testosterone as a calming influence.

I feel like I’m relaxing into myself. Dark hairs spread down my thighs and up my stomach. I like the patterns they create. Stubble under my chin. A voice less harsh. Two semitones lower. I feel extremes of emotion less intensely. Positive, calming. There is no rage. There is a sex drive but it is […]

On caring for yourself

I haven’t blogged in a while. I’m on a high dose of steroids which doesn’t make it easy to put sentences together. I finally relented and accepted that my flare-up was not going away by itself. I deprioritised my work, if you will, and I can’t remember the specifics, but ended up taking oral steroids […]

A happy ending

It’s the toughest time of my life, and I feel the weakest I’ve been in my life. Had to go home from work. It was (according to the schedule) an easy day. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even do the easy day. I cried all the way driving home. Every day I don’t work […]

Cover of Tender by Blur

Cover of Tender by Blur – Leanne Bunce & Rebecca Marriott So I’ve been going to this choir thing with my best friend Leanne (also my ex but she’s morphed), truly my best friend and some of our mates. It’s nice to have a little singalong and a natter, very good for depression which I […]

And so it starts…

1. Lie under duvet for much longer than necessary 2. Ignore all incoming phone calls 3. What am I playing at 4. Paralysis 5. I can’t even do anything I would normally have done, because I should be doing this other thing now, instead of the other things 6. Procrastination 7. Denial 8. Panic 9. […]

Avoiding responsibility

I avoid responsibility. Always have. Why? It’s simple really… fear. Specifically fear of failure. If I don’t study in University then it’s ok if I don’t do well, I wasn’t trying my hardest anyway. Therefore I can’t really be stupid. If I’m lazy and don’t really try to get a job, then it’s not because […]