Daily Heil

Depression hits when everything is going just fine. There is no rhyme, reason, just a cumbersome, debilitating (I want to say cloud, but it’s heavier) that stops you in your tracks. For me it gets worse when sleep is wrong. I have an 8-5 job, weekdays. This weekend I stayed up all night, went to […]

My own child

Having a child that is so much like you. It is you. An extension of yourself. A SAFETY BLANKET. A reassurance that it is ok to die, because half of you is left. Or two halves. I am at the point in my transition where I still have spot bleeding. I have ovaries. I know, […]

‘Coping’ with a stoma

I got fed up with typing so thought I’d try dictation You’re coping very well with having a stoma though said my mother We’d been talking about my decision to have reversal surgery In the grand context of things yes I’m not sure exactly how you know this what with living in a different country […]

Stools and gatekeepers

At what point will I stop being freaked out by stool coming out of my stomach? Changing my bag and a solid-enough-to-have-a-shape stool is snaking its way out. It’s rectangular, I guess, following the shape of the hole they fashioned. You have no control over it. Nor do you know when it’s going to come […]

Ileostomy surgery

I haven’t felt able to blog lately. I don’t really know where to begin. Everything going on right now seems to personal, in many ways. It’s always been helpful to write things down. This past couple of weeks of my life have been really hard. I had my surgery, subtotal colectomy and ileostomy, which was […]

On caring for yourself

I haven’t blogged in a while. I’m on a high dose of steroids which doesn’t make it easy to put sentences together. I finally relented and accepted that my flare-up was not going away by itself. I deprioritised my work, if you will, and I can’t remember the specifics, but ended up taking oral steroids […]

A happy ending

It’s the toughest time of my life, and I feel the weakest I’ve been in my life. Had to go home from work. It was (according to the schedule) an easy day. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even do the easy day. I cried all the way driving home. Every day I don’t work […]

Falling behind

Fallen behind on my blogging again. Haven’t been recording my dreams which seems a shame (to me) because I like having this little record here. Anyway, here is a song of mine, not mine, a cover of mine. I’ve done it before, the song, but this time I am actually drumming. And I don’t think […]