Testosterone as a calming influence.

I feel like I’m relaxing into myself. Dark hairs spread down my thighs and up my stomach. I like the patterns they create. Stubble under my chin. A voice less harsh. Two semitones lower. I feel extremes of emotion less intensely. Positive, calming. There is no rage. There is a sex drive but it is […]

Stools and gatekeepers

At what point will I stop being freaked out by stool coming out of my stomach? Changing my bag and a solid-enough-to-have-a-shape stool is snaking its way out. It’s rectangular, I guess, following the shape of the hole they fashioned. You have no control over it. Nor do you know when it’s going to come […]

Too ill to care

I was naive. My parents were cool because they thought I was joking. They don’t want me to change my name. As my friends pointed out, and I know this is the case (a) they’re doing quite well (b) very well considering their Daily Mail education (c) it’s going to be a shock to them […]

Sympathy, help, where to find it.

I’m angry and upset right now. I wish everyone had to spend a week with Colitis to know what it’s like. It wouldn’t be any use, because they would soon forget. I soon forget myself in periods of remission. I can’t start my new drugs for 3 weeks, and they may not even work. But […]

Closing off.

Sorry for the lack of blogging. Words aren’t coming easily to me at the moment. Dreams are short when they come and soon forgotten. Yesterday my dream was that I was flirting with someone. I don’t know who. I don’t remember how. That’s all. I am still absolutely loving the job. It is a complete […]

Calm and Queasy

It affects everything, being ill. Today was my clumsiest day. One thing after another. Trying not to let it get to me. How can you concentrate on doing your job when your mind is elsewhere, when your mind is in your colon. Rhetorical question. How do I get the support I need when I’m worried […]

Lazy blogging – but this song makes me happy

Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now I had to fill out a medical history form today, to get my perk of the job dental treatment. Filling it out, just thinking “Don’t sack me don’t sack me don’t sack me.” Hospitalised recently. Yes. Depressed. Yes. Illnesses. Yes. Drugs. List that doesn’t even fit in the box. I […]